There’s no end to this – “figuring it out,” but maybe there is nothing to figure out. Perhaps life isn’t some grandeur mystery you’re tasked to resolve, and instead it is a riddle. Riddles are mystifying and misleading – an enticing enigma. Although ambiguous, they are also playful and laden with wit – once a realization is made one does not necessarily feel anger or relief towards their ‘a-ha’ moment, it just is. I don’t think our existence is meant to feel like a joke, or to be taken too seriously. Perhaps we are meant to stay curious, keep it light-hearted, and not overthink each and every facet as thoroughly as we do.
Your book doesn’t need a beginning, middle, or end until you write it. Even when you do, you’ll never be giving the full story. It will always end with where you are, and you’ll always simply be there. So for the time being I just want you to remember the NOW. Do not judge yourself based on your past perceived failures. You are enough today and even back then when you felt like you weren’t – I promise that you were. Every day that you’re still standing is a success, and wobbling or falling over is inevitable. The longer you’re vertical, the stronger you’ll be. That being said, life will bring you to your knees more often than you like and that’s okay too. The view doesn’t change much and it will give you great appreciation for being upright.
I never want you to forget that life is beautiful. Like grossly, brilliantly, make you want to cry over nothing beautiful. The worst is when you don’t notice things like the fact that two tulips bloomed in your front yard, or that the mountains are so perfect and clear they look like they were painted. When you stop seeing and appreciating beauty that is your cue that something is wrong; and that you need to fix it. I want you to remember how brave you are, and learn to harness that strength on your good days and your bad. Life isn’t always going to be sublime and fall into place; it’s a battle and a struggle that you will always get through. Sometimes you’ll get lost in a bottle and sometimes you will get lost in savasana. In either event, I hope that you continue to honor your process even when it’s really unattractive and not something that you are proud of. Know that even in your darkest days you are still made of light, and you will always find a way.
Fuck being kind to yourself, be compassionate. Being kind to yourself isn’t selfish, it’s essential for survival. You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life. Stop searching and surrender, let life continue to unfold in all it’s unpredictable and unsolvable glory. Just be here in this moment, right now, where you are. Never stop showing up for the person on the other side of the mirror even when they look a little haggard. This is the time to make a promise, that even when life isn’t as simple as hikes that end in waterfalls, fresh as coffee from the Farmer’s Market, and as kind and sweet as a Mormon missionary – that you will exist here in this space. That you never stop trying to attain the next level of growth, bettering yourself, and most importantly – that you will not only stop to notice that the flowers are in bloom, but that you will open with them.