I Fucking Love Therapy


Yesterday I went to therapy. Am I going to tell you every time I go to therapy and sing its motherfucking praises? Try and stop me. Or don’t because mental health is super important and nothing to be shameful of. You don’t need to be in peril, the throes of an existential crisis, or have a concrete “reason” to attend a session – for me it’s the desire that I never want to stop doing work on myself, and I can always be better. Plus, as an added bonus I have enough emotional scars from my childhood & adolescence for at least another decade of processing. Special shout out to my Mom, and having to figure out you were gay in the 90’s.

It never ceases to amaze me how I can be a 33-year-old adult, still triggered by things I haven’t experienced or thought about in years. Now let’s make a distinct differentiation – homeboy that you dated and cited his “difficult upbringing” as why he refused to DTR  with you but met all of your friends and family, and then attempted to soft shoe away & ghost you after five months? I call bullshit on that. While someone’s past and feelings may indeed be valid and play into how they operate as a human –  having adversity at some point in your life doesn’t give you the reins to be an asshole. You can still be a good human, even if you’re struggling.

I wouldn’t say I’m “struggling” right now, rather there are things I struggle with. In fact, I think my therapist was shocked to see me – after a year of radio silence, I showed up and simply stated that I was good, albeit having some high highs and low lows, and wanted to stay on top of my mental health. To give you context, I also once showed up to her office, had a panic attack in the waiting room, and she told me if I didn’t go to Instacare myself – she would call an EMT. When I got there I was so dehydrated they couldn’t find a vein to supply fluids, and my heart rate was 170. They had to do an EKG, which of course provided no other result besides your girl had physically debilitating anxiety. So this woman has held me in my best, my worst, and my most okay-ish of times. We’ve been seeing one another for almost eight years now, making it my most successful and long-standing relationship. I am disappointed there’s no option on Facebook to be “In a Relationship” with your therapist and cite it’s going well.

At our appointment yesterday, we were discussing my response to a situation that recently occurred, and pinpointed the culprit as you know – things that happened eons ago when I was much younger. I have to admit, sometimes it feels asinine that I constantly find parallels between how I process something as an adult based on the environment I was raised in. “Shouldn’t I be over that by now?” I think. “With all the work I’ve done and my fanny pack full of coping skills, I haven’t evolved beyond that?” Then she shared something that was so simple, yet profound: “Healing is not a linear process,” she said. She admitted that while she was in agreement, the words were not hers and proceeded to share the longer exert with me:

There are so many things you’re still working hard at healing from, that you don’t talk about, aren’t there? There is so much you’re still trying to shed, and so much you’re still trying to make sense of. There is so much you wish you could put to rest, yet it’s still begging to be heard by your heart.

Healing doesn’t often happen in one continuous line…it happens in spurts, in zigs and zags, and spirals that seem like circles. It seems we have to revisit the same old things time and time again. What we don’t remember is that even though we are revisiting the same things, every time they come back around, they come back to a different version of who WE are. Because we don’t stay the same. We grow, we learn, we become. We heal.

When the old things come back for another round of healing, remember they are coming to you as a whole different healer. You have new tools now. You have new perspectives. You’ve had new experiences and new relationships and new teachers. You are different, so now you can heal another layer of yourself in a different way. This is a good thing.

You are healing. Keep showing up for it. You are worth healing to wholeness.

hWhen Bridie asked me how my appointment was I smiled and jokingly rolled my eyes: “I’m always going to be in therapy,” I remarked, “There’s just always going to be shit to heal from.” I hashed out what I’d spent the last hour discussing over Korean Barbecue which we at first ascertained would be a really cool first date – you get to cook together, it’s interactive, different, and fun. Cut to two hours later with the meat sweats, and I’m going to say maybe it’s more of a “later in time” date night when you’re comfortable enough with one another to lay in bed and have the smell of brisket seep out of your pores.

 “There’s always going to be shit to heal from,” and I hope that even when it’s hard, I always want to try. And there have been times that my efforts are futile, or even though I am following the textbook itself, I feel like I’m moving backwards or not at all. I recently had a three day stint where I barely got out of bed except to drink gin (which is not in my fanny pack of coping skills) My process isn’t always perfect, but I’d rather know struggle and sanity, rather than just one or the other. Without that dichotomy, I’m not sure I’d fully know how much to appreciate the good stuff. See? My blog isn’t just fart jokes and funny stories about bad dates. Bridie kind of ruined that for y’all, so you can go after her. I did have a dream last night we were trying to have sex and after being interrupted multiple times told her she could just “make me a hamburger” to which she handed me a menu with several options. I’ve never wanted dreams to come true more than I did in that moment. Anyways, for those of you who happen to enjoy my introspection, here are some other mental health musings from my repertoire:

Stuck In A Rut & That’s Okay

On Depression & Anxiety

Why I Go To Therapy & You Should To

Be well friends Xo

 

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