Let It (Fucking) Go


There is a fissure somewhere deep inside me as of late, with slow moving lava spilling through my cracks and igniting me. This is a fitting analogy as I’m a fire sign, and a triple fire sign at that. At my birthday one year, my friend Jenica let me know this and I’ll never forget the pained look of sympathy she shot my girlfriend at the time – who would later proclaim when we broke up, that she would never date an Aries again. To be fair I’ve never had a particularly harmonious relationship with Cancers, the exception being my sister who I’m very much not trying to date. This isn’t ‘Game of Thrones,’ and I’m not a Lancaster. Do you like how I reference GOT all the time now, because I showed up 5 years late to the party and just started watching it? Queen Khaleesi 4ever.

Anyways, I didn’t come here to talk about astrology, or what planet(s) are in retrograde, although I will let y’all know Mars is at its closet to Earth in 15-years and it won’t be again until 2287. If you were up at 3:50 AM and noticed that burning ball of planet looked a little closer than usual – congratulations, maybe you should look into becoming an astrophysicist. I personally was asleep and unaware, so I won’t be submitting my resume to NASA anytime soon. I’m here as always, to talk about me, and what I’m going through, because I’m basically a very gentle and well-intentioned narcissist. I’ve been on the cusp of some shift for the last few years of my life. A transition I haven’t been able to put my finger on, find words for – and I’m apologetic to tell you that I still don’t have these sentences to string together and am simply learning to let go of the me that’s polished, perfected, and tight. I used to agonize over what I wrote before sharing it, and I think I’ve figured out people appreciate my process just as much as fine-tuned verbiage. We as human beings are so incredibly imperfect, and are constantly falling apart. To pretend my life is idyllic or hide behind humorous words, is not genuine authentic.

Recently, I reached out to my Therapist whom to my dismay was out after a bout of pneumonia. Searching for some other type of spiritual salvation, the internet gifted me with Jenilee who practices something called “Spiritual Response Therapy.” Now I don’t know a lot about SRT but if you know me, you know I’m always down for some witch and woo. I’ve got enough crystals in my house to sink a small yacht, and I could wallpaper my room in tarot decks. Our session felt a bit like a dream space for me – she swung her pendulum around and I literally cried almost the entire time. They were these effortless tears that were almost comforting. They fell quickly and with ease, warming my face on the way down, and moving aside and making way for others almost immediately.

It was like I was shedding pieces of myself that were no longer working, and confronting emotional baggage I’d been carrying a lifetime. This is the worst kind of baggage because we are so often consumed and focused on what’s in front of us – our current situation, that forget about what’s left to deal with from our past. I realized not only how much I’d been holding onto – but what I hold for other people as well.

It’s time for us to take inventory of ourselves and start to let go of what we don’t need. You can do this in many ways – I’ve gotten rid of a lot of physical things. There was definitely a time in my life where I liked having stuff, or I thought I did anyways. I bought nice towels, had a multitude of clothes I didn’t wear, and held onto mementos until they overflowed out of boxes. When I met my girlfriend, she had just come off of river guiding for six months – her entire life fit in the back of her Toyota Tacoma. She literally had a sack of clothes that took up about a staggering 0.001% of my closet when unpacked. Immediately, I was envious of this and what it represented – both physically and metaphorically. I started being more conscious of what I felt like I needed, and realized there was very little I was actually attached to.

Physical stuff is the easy part, the kicker is unpacking your past and present emotional luggage. If you want bonus points: start thinking about the people in your life that are taking up space but not necessarily giving you any ROI, any vices that are persistent and why you utilize them, or anything and everything that is no longer positively serving you and start taking out the trash. Purging yourself, whether it be on a simple or existential level, is probably one of the most cathartic experiences in life. We don’t allow ourselves to do it nearly enough, because it’s kind of a scary thing. Think of life as though it’s a comfortable sweater – maybe it doesn’t fit you the right way anymore, there are holes, and you can see that the seam is slowly coming undone. But you still don’t want to get rid of that sweater, because it’s warm and fuzzy and it’s easy to slip-on. We don’t want to release what is comfortable to us, and we hang onto things even after it’s no longer useful or of benefit to us. I have to remember that as hard as it is to let go, that the release is worth the struggle. Emerson once said: “There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”

38064127_10101181267737107_4778291553640644608_n.jpgStart to shed, whatever that looks like for you – my snake roommate likes it so much she does it every other week. Also I just googled: “How much is a snake supposed to shed?” and one answer was: “Once every couple of months. The more they grow, the more they shed!” and now I’m terrified Hebi is growing to become a giant monster snake and my life will be like that movie “Snakes on a Plane” but at ground level. At least Samuel L. Jackson will be there. Anyways, to end on a less terrifying note, if you missed Mars last night – you can still see it tonight in the southwestern sky. Spoiler alert: it will probably just look like a very bright star but if you point to any spot in the sky and tell your friends it’s Mars with enough confidence, they will probably believe you. Namaste, bitches.

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