I’m In Love & Shit


We were lying down on the twin-sized mattress she claimed as a bed in the loft space she shared with two other roommates. Our bodies were on top of a bizarre dinosaur themed quilt she’d picked up second hand years ago and insisted on carting along with her on her travels. I couldn’t help thinking about how everything in that moment shouldn’t even exist – she was 24, eight years younger than myself, and never stayed in one place for long. We fidgeted to somehow get closer only to find we had maximized our ability to situate our bodies together just short of melding into one.

She formed her hands into a sort of visor shape and then rested them atop my head creating a dark tiny space where we could only see one another’s eyes. Perhaps it was our mutual penchant for displaying enough characteristics of Adult ADHD to fit a proper DSM diagnosis that compelled her to force us into that space of absolute concentration or maybe it’s because she’s not exactly winning awards for having the smoothest moves. “I have to say something,” she started in, “I love hanging out with you, I love laughing with you, I love skiing with you, I love learning about you, I love holding you…” She trailed off.

Half of my brain went into full-on panic mode: Holy SHIT is she about to tell me she LOVES me? Can I create a diversion? Quick Tanya, is there anything in this room you can create a bomb with, then throw it in the middle of floor and leave in a blaze of glory unscathed?

Now you may be wondering how the fuck I met someone and tricked them into falling in love with me since my last blog entry was not even a month ago and it spoke to how garbage I am at dating girls. What I didn’t realize at that time was that the most likely solution to my quandary was simply to find someone who was worse at dating than me: Enter Bridie. Yes, her name is ‘Bridie’ and it’s pronounced like the word “Bride” but then add an extra “eeeee!” at the end. It’s Celtic or something, I don’t know. I basically all but refused to say her name on our first date.

From the start I made this girl nervous as shit. Usually I’m the nervous one so you can imagine this turn of events has been both entertaining and gratifying for me.

Here is a running list of things she did the first few times we hung out that really set a precedent for how our kinship would unfold:

  • The second time we hung out I poured her one glass of wine and she was so flustered she knocked it over sending red wine across my living room, which landed on my yoga mat and in my Zen garden. My Zen garden now has red sand. Namaste.
  • On our third date she hit me in the face. We were going skiing and she wasn’t used to a +1 in her Toyota Tacoma so when she put her hand behind my headrest to back out of her parking space, she instinctively and blindly swung her hand back to the wheel without accounting for my presence.
  • She’s making me dinner and peeling garlic cloves by hand over the trashcan. She can’t stop staring at me all dewy-eyed and daft and continues to both peel garlic cloves and then drop them one-by-one in the trash repeatedly.
  • Bridie stays at my house for the first time and needs to take a shower before work. I ask her if she wants a towel to which she bellicosely responds: “NO, I don’t need a towel!” Now, it’s not going to put me out to fetch her one, they are right under the sink by which I am standing. She contests she has short hair and it’s fine, not accounting for the other 97% of her body which will be wet post said shower, and probably require a saturation receptacle.
  • It’s New Year’s Eve and she comes to my friend’s bonfire. We create the ultimate hippie altar of crystals, frankincense, myrrh, et al. The end game is creating these bundles and then tossing them in the fire – bidding farewell to the junk show that was 2017, and setting good intentions for the next year. I pick up a piece of Morganite especially for Bridie because when I like a girl I buy them rocks. It corresponds with the heart chakra and I intend to give it to her as a gesture. Later that night I put it in her hand and fold it up, not explaining the meaning, but guessing she’ll somehow sort out it was a gift to her. Cut to champagne drunk two hours later where I ask her if she still has it and she replies: “I threw it in the fire, everyone was throwing everything into the fire and I didn’t know.” She threw my heart chakra into the fire.

As you can imagine, Bridie’s hand visor speech ended as I anticipated it might. After compiling a very long list of things she loved about me, merely 17 days after our first date, she told me she was in fact: in love with me. And somehow what was crazy was not the fact she was telling me this and I wasn’t desperately seeking a door to eject myself out of – it was my absolute readiness to say it back. However, before I could return the sentiment in kind she immediately followed it up by screaming: “BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO SAY IT BACK!”

Spoiler alert: I’m in love & shit. I don’t know what kind of karmic crap I put out there to get so lucky but I’m also not mad about it. It’s obviously been a different experience and I’m still not sure how to sort out the constant overflow of feelings and emotions that have become my new norm, but I’ve found the best thing I can do is simply to resign to it. I realized self-doubt is my only enemy and that is a thing created only by me. I trust what I know to be true and will not let anyone or myself affect that I am worthy of a wicked and divine love needing not explanation, rationalization, or acceptance. If you lead with your heart, your soul will follow. I asked the universe for Bridie long before she showed up and started throwing my shit in fires, demonstrating a general disregard for garlic cloves, and slapping me in the face fortuitously.

There is nothing better than her smile, no sounds sweeter than her ridiculous and gratuitous laughter – no place I like more than her arms, and no doubt we’ve danced in another life together. Keep your heart open, because you really never know what’s going to show up. And if it does? Embrace the shit out of it.

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