This is a hard post to write, because admitting true vulnerability is actually quite hard for me. This isn’t the kind of entry that will have a punch line, be sparkled with wit, or end with positivity or a cute takeaway. I am writing today because my heart is broken, and I am sharing this with you because it is a part of the human condition and it is in my nature to discuss and dissect that. We all lose people whether it’s to a relationship ending, death, a move – life is full of hard goodbyes and see-you laters. I wouldn’t say we didn’t see the end of our relationship coming, but it happened sooner and quicker than we would have wanted. We left loving each other very much, but that doesn’t stop this from sucking.
I forgot what heartache felt like, it had been a long time. I forgot about crying so much you run out of tears, and how literally gut wrenching it is. I forgot about drinking too much whiskey, and not being able to stomach a meal. I forgot. Today was an especially hard day – and you can never plan for how your emotions are going to affect you and when. One second I am confident and happy with our decision, and the next I am in shambles and full of regret. One second I want to be surrounded by my tribe, and the next I want nothing more than to be alone. To boot, I’ve had an almost ironic amount of weddings to attend this month. I even officiated one this past weekend. How did I do it? I have no fucking idea. I fumbled through the ceremony as I practiced it all morning and panicked. How was I supposed to do it? It seemed impossible to stand in front of a bunch of people and talk about love when I was so broken. But once I started talking everything washed away for those ten minutes and I got to marry some of my best friends. It was hard, but I was able to do it.
Similarly, I can do this – I can and I will get through it. It’s hard to find myself here again – it’s so much less glamorous than they make it look in ‘Sex & The City.’ Being alone isn’t all cosmopolitan’s, manolo blahnik’s, and trips to the Hampton’s. It can be lonely and sad and really, really hard. All I can do is take it one day at a time and remember how beautiful it was to have the chance to love my partner and to continue to love her. We chose to spend the last week of our relationship together, celebrating one another and making friends uncomfortable with our Snapchat hashtag #ouradultbreakup. We went on dates and kissed and cuddled. We held each other and cried. It was by far the most difficult and important thing that I’ve ever done and I wouldn’t change a second of it.
I’m not sure what the future holds but to leave a relationship never loving my partner more than I ever had was everything. Unconventional maybe, but we were already challenging the status quo by being lesbians so we figured what the heck. We had a party where we made a cake that said “We Broke Up & It’s Cool!” In reality it wasn’t that cool because we were both heartbroken, but we had a choice: to be broken together or apart. We’re both still in pieces but we will heal. We had to separate in order to do so – so I at least have some peace around that. That was part of our problem after all, we were so enmeshed with each other by the end it was hard to tell where one of us started and the other person ended. We stopped taking care of ourselves and lost sight of who we were as individuals. Plus, Jenn needed the ocean and all I could give her was the Great Salt Lake which pales in comparison and smells like farts.
Like the movie ‘Titanic,’ which I saw seven times in the theater when it came out, our hearts will go on. Jenn, if you are reading this – I know you are shaking your head at the awful opportunity I just took to reference the blockbuster hit: ‘Titanic.’ I had a real big crush on Kate Winslet because of that movie but I lied and told all my friends I had the hots for Leonardo DiCaprio. Also, thanks for letting me write about this because you understand what a big part of writing is in my healing process. Sometimes to better yourself, you have to go down that road alone and while it feels impossible right now – that’s what I’m fixing to do. It has to be done. You can’t just lay down in the road and die because something bad happened or didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to.
I’ve received so much love and support from my people who know how to perfectly balance letting me fall apart while keeping me together. They know when I need a beer, some food, or even just a hug. They’re allowing me to authentically experience this time no matter what that looks like. Tonight it looked like a friend bringing me over some essential oil blends, helping me dig a thorn out of my foot, and then me crying in her arms. It was a real well-rounded and intimate experience and she had to touch my feet. If that’s not a good friend, I don’t know what is.
I never want to take back the “I love you’s” that I said to my partner and I will never stop loving her. Soon light will replace the dark, and maybe my heart won’t hurt so much. I’ll be able to open the box of things we packed up together and look at them fondly. I won’t cry when I go grocery shopping without her because I’m thinking about all the meals we cooked together. I’ll have a bite of ice cream instead of the whole damn carton. I think back to one of my favorite quotes from Buddha: “You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” It might take a minute but I plan to challenge myself to channel this heartache into becoming the best version of myself possible and learning to love myself again wholly. All of the energy we put into sustaining our relationship over the last several months, can now come back to ourselves.
If you’re reading this you’ve probably had my snot on your tee-shirt in the last week or so, took me out to lunch because you were worried about me skipping meals, or just listened to me incessantly reflect on what happened over and over. You may have held me when I needed to be held and slapped me in the face when I needed to snap out of it. For all of these things I am grateful. But for now I have said my piece and the time has come for me to take a bath, and then get into bed and snuggle my fur babies. Penny keeps killing grasshopper’s and bringing them to me which I think is a very sweet and unnecessary gesture. Thank you for all the love and please don’t bring me dead things (I don’t have the heart to tell Penny but I don’t really like it).
I only say it’s “kind of” cool we broke up because it’d be much cooler if we hadn’t. Who knows what the universe has in store for us ultimately but I do know one thing: Nothing is impossible except dinosaurs.