Things I’m Willing To Admit About Myself

I could be what some people would call a “odd duck,” or “strange ranger.” The Urban Dictionary defines the latter as someone who marches to the tune of their own sequin-clad, boot-wearing, star-wars-lovin’ drummer (The accuracy there is on point for me). I have a unique sense of humor and a reputation for being the person that will always take the joke just a little too far – (and unapologetically so). I can go from being intellectual to making a fart joke in the same sentence. I’m just me, and I don’t think I could be anything else even if I tried.  I’d like to take this time to better introduce myself through a list, in no specific order, some things about me I’m not embarrassed to admit:

  1.  I am the kind of person that will always take the bag out of my box of wine and squeeze that sucker dry.
  2. My newest level of laziness was attained by taking to washing my hair only once a week. I tell people I do it because it’s better for your hair, but really it just gives me permission to hit snooze a few extra times and give even less shits about what I look like.
  3. I pretty much cried my way through the entire movie “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” My girlfriend napped during it while occasionally waking up to my tear-stained face. I just couldn’t handle seeing the old gang together and how cute BB8 was rolling all-around like that.
  4. IMG_6381.PNG
    Melissa + Barb = ❤

    I recently adopted a fish named Melissa Etheridge. She shares a tank with her unicorn pal Barbara, and I’m obsessed with playing her the Indigo Girls, Sarah McLachlan, Ani DiFranco, and she loves the song “Come To My Window.” I imagine if she could she’d wear tiny birkenstocks on her fins and attend the Lilith Fair.

  5. In 2012 I received my Master’s Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. My specialization was in Sexual Orientation and Gender studies. At my Grad School you had to walk through the woods to get to the library, dinner featured kale in at least four different forms, and movement & meditation started promptly at 5pm. Also not uncommon: people with trapper keepers full of gemstones.
  6. When I was younger I had some mild OCD that included never stepping on any cracks in the sidewalk, doing everything in even numbers, and changing my underwear if I farted.
  7. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up and I feel like this fact is extraordinarily less cute at the age of 31. If I could do anything I would want to be making a living writing, but I haven’t quite figured out how to do that. Unfortunately it looks like someone else has already written a parody of E.L. James book called “50 Shades of Gay,” so I’m going to have to go back to the drawing board.
  8. I may as well sleep with my face in a pizza box instead of on a silk pillow. I may be stuck in our current space-time continuum, but my skin is busy traveling back in time to go through puberty again.
  9. I was once dumped at an Indian Food Restaurant and I couldn’t eat vegetable pakora for months. We’re still friends.
  10. I had  Livejournal for an embarrassingly long time (2002-2011). It still exists on the internet. In one entry I wrote about how angry I was that I didn’t feel like I got as much attention at Hooter’s as male customers did. I was 17 and “straight.”
  11. I came out officially when I was twenty. Some people say that you always know, but I needed to be slapped in the face with it pretty hard to actually figure it out. In fact, I kind of resented gay stuff for most of my life because I was so scared I was a part of that community and at a young age it wasn’t something I was ready to grapple with. When I was 12, Ellen DeGeneres came out – and I hated her for it. Let me tell you, there’s a special place in hell for people who hate Ellen. She’s hilarious, altruistic, and I cry every time she gives someone a big check.
  12. I was raised Cathloic(ish) but was never super involved in the church. I almost got kicked out of CCD because I asked too many questions (i.e. “How is it possible Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs?” or “The fuck did Jonah survive for 3 days inside a whales stomach?”) I chose my confirmation name ‘Felicity’ because I had a crush on Kerri Russell.
  13. Life is a host to dichotomy and duality – therefore I have both my Lindsay Lohan moments and my Mother Teresa moments.
  14. I can still do a human pretzel, but it’s far less attractive than you would imagine and please stop imagining that.

Maybe you knew none of these things, some of these things, or all of the things. It depends on either how long you’ve known me, or how extensively you’ve stalked me on the internet. Fun Fact: If you google my full name, please be prepared with a bowl of popcorn and a glass of beer for all the bizarre freelance writing that will come at you hard. Once at a job interview somebody had done that and then asked “So tell me more about how to pick up chicks when you’re skiing?” right in the middle of the damn interview.

I can’t say I’ve always loved every piece of myself, but I’ve always accepted it – the quirkiness, the awkwardness, and even the ugly parts. I count it a blessing to live in self-love, and to be surrounded by people who confirm my general hypothesis that I’m pretty okay (maybe even great). Sometimes it’s hard to show that love to yourself, because it takes courage to live authentically. To greet yourself as who you’ve been, who you are, and who you may someday be. Carl Jung once said: “The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” But it’s also the best thing you can ever do. 

Always been very confident, clearly (yes, that’s actually me)



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