I’m the proud owner of a neurotic dog who also happens to be tiny. Every time someone walks in the door, the demise of her life begins again. “You were gone forever,” she barks, “How could you have left me to run up to the grocery store to grab the cilantro you forgot?” She’s like a stoner, she doesn’t know the difference between five minutes and an hour – but how could she? She’s a fucking dog. Yes, I affectionately refer to her as a tiny sack of poop, but she’s my tiny sack of poop and I wouldn’t trade her for the most well-trained Golden Retriever on the planet, as tempting as that sounds as I type it out. As a person who happens to have one, there’s a few things us people with tiny neurotic dogs want you to know:
- They definitely found us, we didn’t find them. No one ever has walked into an adoption clinic looking for a emotionally distressed chihuahua mix who eats half of her food from her bowl and then takes individual pieces one-by-one to eat on the living room rug. No-one ever said: “I’d like a dog who barks specifically just at Hispanic children, or licks the comforter of my bed excessively.” Somehow these dogs simply showed up and as much as we tried to resist them, they stuck.
- My dog may be able to fit into an over-sized purse but don’t be fooled by Nora’s size – bitch can hike. Half the time when we’re out she’s the Sacajawea to my Lewis & Clark, which is really helpful because I’m horrible with directions. She’ll know exactly where we crossed a stream, took a turn, or scrambled up a rock. I’d like to think this is because her tiny head holds a massive brain but it’s more likely because she pees on everything she comes across. Literally, by tree #20 I don’t know how she has anything left in her bladder.
- They’re really affectionate. Five minutes after Nora is done barking your face off, she’ll curl up in your lap like it’s a goddamn sanctuary. Of course my dog barks and shakes and looks at me like the worlds going to end when someone is merely walking down the street in front of our living room window – the world is HUGE to her. As her protector of evil, she treats her martyr to many small cuddles and an excessive amount of kisses (emphasis on the word “excessive”)
- Small dogs are easily adaptive. When I adopted Nora I was living in a small house with two other people. I could cart her around easily without much of a big to-do, she didn’t take up a a large amount of space, or destroy anything except my game at times (she was the ultimate clam-jam when I was single, she was like the Dad who waited for his daughter’s date to bring her home with a shotgun in hand)
- I hate to say this about a living creature but it’s true – having a small dog can be more cost effective for those of us that crave and can give that kind of companionship but are also on a budget. One of those 50 lb. bags of dog food from Costco? Even with adding a second tiny dog to the household (holler atcha girl Star, this entry doesn’t pertain to you cause you’re chill as fuck) it’d still take us a short eternity to go through that.
While Nora’s beady eyes may be in the dictionary next to “yappy,” and her nickname may be “Noraotic,” she’s still one of the greatest and most unexpected gifts I ever found (category: in a biergarten – true story). She really almost blew that last sentence because she wouldn’t stop trying to crawl on my lap while I was typing on my laptop and now she’s laying down two feet away staring sullenly at me like I’m Hitler. Ich liebe dich Nora, Ich liebe dich. I don’t care that you think in the middle of everyone at a party is the best time to tend to your privates, or that you really like the way it feels to rub your back against a dead bird.I love you and all your perceived defects.
If you’d like to learn more about my relationship with my dog, read my other entry about her: For Nora. On our Facebook we’re simply listed as “In a Relationship” and “It’s Complicated.”