I am constantly baffled by how many people trust me in such an intimate capacity. They are always asking me for sage wisdom and life advice that I’m pretty sure they’re actually taking which is completely insane considering I’m giving it to them covered in cat hair, with dried ice cream remnants on my face and I’ve just taken two shots of fireball. Clearly I’m nailing life, and I just figured that I’ve not even really begun to share the girth of my knowledge and since I’m so good at being an adult, I thought I’d compile a list of life lessons and things that I think are generally important that may or may not be helpful to you.
Stuff About Life & Things: A disorganized and bullet pointed essay by Tanya Sapula
- You’re not above ramen, and you probably never will be so don’t you dare think that you are. Thanks to Ramen noodles, I know when I’ve spent an exorbitant amount of money on something and am really broke that I can at least not starve to death and have my basic needs met which is comforting.
- Balance is important in life. That being said, you should go to a yoga class before you hit that magnum sized bottle of wine.
- You need to understand that the older you get, hangovers take on a whole new life form. I yearn for the headaches of a college hangover, that lasted only a few hours and was cured with cold pizza from the night before. In the tail-end of my 20’s I’ve had hangovers that I was certain would end in my untimely death. When drinking also plan your recovery time and be an adult and purchase an economy sized bottle of aspirin.
- 4/7 days a week I forget to put on deodorant. I don’t know what it is in my routine that causes me to constantly omit this basic act of hygiene, but it doesn’t bode well because I’m not embarrassed to tell you that I probably sweat more than you think. I’ve learned to stash deodorant everywhere as a result: there’s my car deodorant, my work deodorant, and even a stick at home for the rare occasion I remember to be a human when getting ready. Also, don’t buy that hippie shit. I know it’s probably better for you but you still smell after applying this. Your friends don’t want to tell you but I will.
- Own more than one pair of jeans. You should probably even own more but I like to keep it cool at an even keeled two pairs. This is because I own a lot of other pants, and pants take up a lot of space. In regards to what other kind of pants you should own, I suggest ones in interesting colors with interesting patterns. I call them “statement pants.” People will compliment you on your unique pants and you’ll feel a sense of entitlement and self-worth. It will trick people into thinking you give a shit about what you’re wearing and as a bonus they may even think you’re fashionable.
- Have a phone but don’t overuse it. I promise you that nothing that interesting is happening and nothing is more important than what’s happening in front of your face. Don’t let your cellular device be the thing in front of your face. In a similar fashion please do not use Facebook as your personal journal, soap box, or way of tracking your day-to-day operations. There are so many things I just don’t care about and that is a lesson I learned from Facebook news feeds.
- Own a lot of costumes and props. If you’re me you could also have a wig wall in your house, but that’s kind of overachieving. You should prepare for everyday as though you’re going to Burning Man and play a lot of games. People stop playing as they get older and we should always play. Be forewarned that Twister as an adult is much more violent and competitive than it was as a child.
- I’ll probably always be poor and that’s fine. I don’t think I’ll ever really have a job where I’m rolling in gold like Scrooge McDuck and while it’s nice to think about a world where money was not an issue, who needs a ton of it? Just make enough to pay your rent and bills and be happy. Life is really stupid simple when you think about it, and it’s good even when it’s not.
- Google cat memes often and email them to your coworkers and friends. No ones day is going to be ruined by this, it will only enhance.
- Be kind with your vices. If you had a bad day and want to get after it with vodka, by all means! If you want to fight the blues with a little crystal meth? GO FOR IT (I just took it too far and made it weird, didn’t I?) I know you should just cope effectively with some meditation or writing in your diary but whatever – if we felt our feelings and processed everything 100% of the time we’d go crazy.
- Find an adult hobby or passion. Right now I’m really into socks. It seems like a healthier option than some of the other things I was considering. I’ve gone as far to join a “sock of the month club” which delivers a new pair to my doorstep every four weeks. If you’re going to dip your toes in the water you might as well jump all the way in, you know what I’m saying?
- Dance often and with little regard for how you look doing so. Yes, I know I look like one of those wild and wacky inflatable arm guy things they put in front of car dealerships when I dance. No, I will not stop dancing.
- Friends, don’t ever stop making friends. I used to get embarrassed when I was younger, at the fact my Mother had to constantly talk to everyone she came into contact with. Now I find myself trying to find a valid connection to the person who bags my groceries. People get so settled in looking for a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, or whatever – I prefer to have wild love affairs with my friends. I love them a lot and probably hug them to the point that it makes them slightly uncomfortable. In ‘Fried Green Tomatoes’ Idgie says to Ruth, “Do you want to know what I believe is the most important thing about life? Friends, best friends.” Bitch nailed it.
- Stop dating. Dating is the absolute worst and I’ve sworn it off almost in entirety and I’m barely 30-years-old. Now I don’t mean I’ve resigned to spinster status at this point in time; what I mean is cut it with these horrible forced dates and have a little faith and patience. The good things come easy and happen organically and although it’s way quicker to swipe right on Tinder, I’d rather negotiate the interim and learn that while you can be lonely – you’re never alone.
So there you have it – my first installment of things that may or may not give you new insight, help you gain perspective, or at the very least – make you stop smelling like a combination of patchouli and horrible body odor. If I had to be all introspective about it and give you one solid take-away I would say this: Be well – whatever that looks like for you. Be present and engaged in your world because you only get to be here a short hiccup of a time. Laugh a lot and love other people. Never stop learning and searching and finding humor in the breakdowns. No problem is too big to ruin your world and your first world white people problems can only take as much of your sanity as you allow it to. Drink champagne and toast to the fact you get to be here and do this life thing and thank God or Gaia or whomever you ascribe to – that you didn’t come into this life as a skunk or a stoplight; you got to be human. And that’s pretty rad in my book.