Once upon a time I happened upon a girl named Haley. We became friends and like you do with new acquaintances in life, I began to learn about her. I learned that she was an actress, that she had a really great laugh, and also that she could make a really mean pastrami sandwich. She had an impressive resume that included a degree from the University of Fine Arts in Philadelphia, had recently married the love-of-her life Andy, and was the gentle caretaker to a cat with diabetes named Eva.
Anyways like I said I happened upon Haley, which was great in and of itself, but then her Mom happened upon this piece of absolute literary genius written by a 10-year-old Haley:
While most girls at the verge of adolescence were busy idolizing the Disney Ladies, Haley was in a feminist stand-down. It’s not like she was misogynistic or anything but she wanted Disney Women at large to start taking accountability for their actions. If you really think about it though, Disney Women were kind of troubled. I can’t say I blame them for their lack of mental stability at times – half of them had dead mothers, evil stepsisters, or someone climbing their hair. You’d be a little off your rocker too. While this could be perceived as internalized sexism, my perception is this: Haley can add author to her already robust resume and prepare for the acclaim and international renownment she will receive for her work on this magnificent soon to be bestseller, ‘The Trouble With Disney Women.’
The Little Mermaid. As Haley said, “Sweet, beautiful Ariel is really quite obsessed. She purposely changes herself for a man! DUH! Lesson: Like yourself as you already are. You’re like that for a reason.”
Haley breaks each page down with a handy take-away life lesson and you should pay close attention to all of them, because they are very wise for a pre-pubscent girl who clearly had a lot of time on her hands.
Beauty and the Beast. Or as Haley preferred to call it “Beuty & the Beast.” Haley begins: “Beauty thought she could make the beast into something he’s not.” She continues with the lesson, “Accept people as they are because you can’t change them unless you’re a psychologist. Then MAYBE.”
Well color Haley stumped: “…Well I can’t really find anything wrong with her (Jasmine), except that nobody could really have a pet Tiger – but oh well, it’s a cartoon.” The lesson you ask? THERE ISN’T ONE. Foreboding end Haley, well-played. Also, I didn’t know Jasmine had two lazy eyes.
As you can see, Nala isn’t technically a woman, but she is female. To which sweet Haley proclaims: “Aw, close enough.” However, Nala passively waits for a male to come along and fix society’s problems when really (and here’s your lesson) “Women should take action and solve their own problems.” And she’s right, life isn’t all hakuna matata Nala! And everything the light touches isn’t your kingdom – it’s Simba’s, because he’s a man. Go take a Women’s Studies class or something – geeze!
I feel silly that in light of acknowledging Haley’s groundbreaking and culture-shifting writing, that we haven’t acknowledged her attention to detail and effortless illustrations. Certainly it makes sense that a women of the arts would be well-rounded in all trades, but look at this side profile of Meg from ‘Hercules,’ her bangs are extraordinary. Similar to Jasmine, she couldn’t really find anything wrong with Meg except for the fact that she sold her soul. Simple solution to said problem? “Just DON’T sell your soul.” Duh.
And instead of ending with her Women’s Rights Manifesto, Haley only had this to say in closing:
I only hope with this being the last page, that it means the sequel: ‘The Problem with Disney Men,’ is currently in the works. Thank you to my friend for allowing me to share this on my blog, the first time I read it I laughed so hard that beer came out of my nose and I can only hope that happened to at least one other person who happened upon this. Now, go wish upon a star or something.