I’m An Adult

I think I have a really skewed view of what it means to “feel like an adult.” Most of my friends who consider themselves “adults” do things like buy houses or get married but fortunately for the sake of this blog’s existence – that’s not been my experience. Yes, instead of settling down, I chose the path of being a single twenty-something who had no one to guide her but her own weird self and a large collection of spirit animals. In case you were curious, my spirit animals include but are not limited to the following: a Turtle, Ke$ha, Narwhals, Kelly Kapowski, Sea Cucumbers, Unicorns, Liz Lemon, and Sasquatch. Someone once told me that not everyone and everything thing can be my spirit animal but I beg to differ because everyone and everything is my spirit animal.

thI realized today that I feel the largest sense of accomplishment for the most menial things ever. Simple things like doing a load of laundry or making it to the grocery store are achievements worthy of trophies by my book. I’m twenty-nine so I should have my shit figured out by now, but I still fist pump when I find a pair of clean underwear and don’t have to resort to wearing my bikini bottoms. If my cell phone is charged I get bonus points, and if I haven’t made a life decision that is questionable in the course of a week? the points go through the roof.

Let’s just look at a typical day in the life of Tanya to see what a stunning example of maturity she is and what being a grown-up looks like.

Tanya woke up and went to the Doctor. This made her feel so extremely responsible and competent despite the fact she put it off for almost four weeks. The fact that she made it to the Doctor at all? It was like she saved Princess Peach and beat Mario Brothers. And the prescription she got? It was filled and she would pick it up after work which was like, super adult of her. She started her day in a full-on superhero cape.

Where does Tanya work, you ask? Despite enduring six-and-a-half years of school that left her being a credentialed Therapist, she works at a Brewery. You can imagine her parents are very proud, and she really makes a splash at Christmas when Grandma and Grandpa have to acknowledge that fact, and also the point that she is not yet married. These words have actually come out of Wanda’s (G-ma’s) mouth before: “I’m going to die before I get to see you walk down the aisle.” This is probably true because she doesn’t really love the gays and I am one of those and she doesn’t know. Wanda also tells people I’m a Social Worker, because I guess that’s better than hauling kegs around for a living (in her opinion).

article-2530590-1A53A8F600000578-117_634x374After work she goes to Target because she needs a pair of jeans. She realized after it started getting chillier, she couldn’t wear her daisy dukes anymore and when it came to blue jeans? She actually didn’t have any. They’d been maimed by work or whatever so she started rotating between her black pants, red pants, floral patterned pants, and purple pants – which can only last so long. She buys pants without trying them on because trying on things suck and when she gets home and puts them on one leg at a time? MOM PANTS. Straight up above the navel Mom Pants. “Fuck,” she said out loud. Roommate Molly comes in trying to be supportive. “Well they look good so long as you don’t see how high they go,” she pauses, “Just wear them with like baggier tops.”

At Target she also had passed the toiletry aisle in which she had decided to buy a Venus Razor. After ploughing through a pile of Bics that probably cost like .99 cents this was a major upgrade that considered actual thought and literally left Tanya feeling victorious. And it’s this false sense of triumph that often gets her in trouble. A friend will be talking like: “Oh my god, my boyfriend and I are moving in together!” (This is indubitably a big deal) And then Tanya will be like: “I bought a TOWEL SET yesterday!” Friend: “This is a huge step for us!” Tanya: “They are so soft, they are made from Bamboo and I can’t talk enough about them.” Friend: “I’m nervous but so excited; do you have any advice for me?” Tanya: “You have to be so careful when you dry-clean them cause they’re like really, really nice.”

Let’s cut to the end of Tanya’s night. Molly and her boyfriend are cooking a late dinner and Tanya emerges out of the shadows and says so defiantly: “I’m going to take a BATH!” The two of them look at her like the completely insane human being that she is, fuzzy pink bathrobe and all. Now, she only declared this affirmation because she thoughtfully wanted to tell them if either had to pee at some point, they could totally disrupt her bliss or curtains drawn; they could come on in. Instead it came across as a random and bold statement. “I want to tell you about my bath!” Luckily, she lives with people who don’t think much of such interactions.

The statement of Tanya taking a bath was said more fiercely and intensely than her coming out of the closet speech so there’s that. Her bath was fantastic; her friend Jess had made her a soak of salt from the Great Salt Lake infused with Lavender and she added Mr. Bubble to it and it was in this very lovely bubble bath she even got the creative stream to talk about what she had to talk about tonight.

It doesn’t matter if you’re almost 30-years-old and your life consists of beer, baths, and the emotional maintenance of a Chihuahua Mix. Maybe the picture you had of yourself as a “grown-up” didn’t equate to renting a house with two roommates, thinking that your Graduate degree looked better on a wall than in real life, or feeling like you had to high-five yourself because your cell-phone is charged and you have clean underwear; but that’s okay.

I am where I am for a reason, and I truly stand behind whatever that reason is – I trust it and hold it completely. I have a cat that is shaved like a lion and a whole lot of good people around me. I have a badass blog that actual people read and an amazing collaboration with my sister called tindetears.com that is an entity in and of itself. I rest well tonight knowing I am living life in the way it should be lived; precariously and dangerously. Whilst tiny Tanya may have seen herself someplace different, we now know that exactly where she is, is more than copacetic. May we continue to be wild, and free – young and alive and totally weird.

I love my life and I wouldn’t change a thing, not a goddamn thing.


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