The Perks Of Being Single


Hey there. Yeah I’m looking at you; the one who’s sitting alone in your group of coupled up friends who are either legally married, engaged, or otherwise thinking about it. I’m 28-years-old which means I’m not even working on rocking third wheel status anymore, but seventh or ninth at best. The other day I sat in a room full of friends and it took a beer or five to realize that every close kin I had in that very space had their significant other seated beside them. I’m so used to it now that I don’t even acknowledge or recognize it. Anyways, I thought it was pretty funny and probably verbalized this out loud which is always a fundamental mistake because people think you’re doing it because you’re sad and then sprinkle you with sentiments like: “You’ll find love when you’re not looking for it!” or “How can you love someone unless you truly know you love yourself?”

Guess what geniuses? I love myself, all day every day. And if I can’t accomplish that job on the regular, I’ve got a friend with two triple a batteries that certainly can. Being single in your late 20’s is a bit like one of those dreams where you’re naked in the supermarket. You feel like everyone is staring at you and all you want to do is find your pint of Ben & Jerry’s and go home where you will put on your adult sized footy pajamas and consume the whole damn thing with little to no remorse.

While the rest of my friends are busy planning what kind of picture they want to put on their “Save the Date” cards, or what kind of lilies they want as their centerpieces, I’m busy planning whether I want to drink PBR tonight or get fancy and spring for a six-pack of something that doesn’t taste like complete piss water. I also have other important decisions to make like whether or not I am going to engage in a one-way conversation with my cat, or if I want to fall asleep listening to ‘Endless Love’ in the dark by myself. I’m deciding if I want to want to look at my online dating profile which also harbors a risk of suicidal ideation, or dance alone to a Destiny’s Child Pandora station.

As a completely unelected official for the race of single-twenty-something’s I want you to know that we’re okay. Not only will we live to see another day, but we’ll live to see the next and the next after that. In fact, there are a lot of advantages to being single; here are a few of my personal favorites:

  1. You can do whatever you want: Literally, the only way someone would know if I was dead was if I didn’t show up to work for a few days. Whether this is slightly empowering or totally unnerving is undecided but I’m going to swing for the positive.
  2. Hygiene is completely optional. Feel like harnessing your inner 90’s lesbian and letting your landing strip grow into a goddamn prairie field? By all means.
  3. Your hand never says no to sex.
  4. When ‘All The Single Ladies’ comes on at a wedding, you can dance to it…even if it means dancing by yourself.
  5. You know the moment in ‘Lion King’ where Mufasa tells Simba that everything that light touches is his kingdom? Your kingdom is your bed. Starfish across it, drool on your pillow, fart loudly and unconsciously.
  6. When your friends incessantly go on and on about their never-ending relationship woes you can just tune them out and go to your “happy place.” Your happy place being that you don’t have to deal with any of the bullshit they are complaining about.
  7. You only have to bear the weight of your own crippling emotions.
  8. Dressing to impress can entail pajama-jeans, a tee-shirt with a mustard stain on the front, and styling your hair with dry shampoo.
  9. You can drink beer without someone asking: “What number are you on?”
  10. When you’re watching TV you’re free to watch old episodes of Petticoat Junction, Joanie Loves Chachi, or Jersey Shore. You don’t have to pretend to be interested in sports or Anderson Cooper, you can just kick back and 16 and Pregnant.

Beyonce-Single-LadiesBeing single doesn’t mean that you’re not good enough; it just means you haven’t found anyone who is good enough for you. It’s a tough world out there – in the last year I’ve dated someone who may or may not have been charged with a felony, and my last one night stand apparently told our mutual friend that she wanted to “hang out with me again” which is probably why she left without saying goodbye and never called. I’ve had girls who want to DTR after three dates, and screwed the curiosity out of many a straight girl.

Yup, I’m good over here. I’ve been seeing myself for a while now, and I’d have to say it’s going very well. In fact, I think I might be “the one.” I take care of myself, I’m there when I need me, and I wouldn’t dare change a damn thing about who I am and what I’m about. Just because you’re not committed to another person, doesn’t mean you can’t be committed to other things. Realize that waking up to yourself is a blessing and not a curse, and hey – if people ask just tell them you have a significant other but that it’s a long distance relationship (don’t mention it’s long distance because they live in the future.) Don’t worry about finding the love of your life, just love your life.

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