Lisa Lives On


So apparently not only do I not have any true friends, but I also never, ever have. Case and point:

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If I did have, or ever had a friend, clearly I would already have received my lifetime membership to the Lisa Frank fan club from my lifetime friend. Now, I’m not sure what this membership even includes – I would imagine a complimentary  trapper keeper, and maybe a basket full of kittens.

I wanted to blog today but I didn’t know about what. I didn’t really feel like being introspective, or trying to pull wisdom from the  depths of my tangled human emotion, and I definitely didn’t want to talk about the cat drama I’m currently experiencing. I find that in times we are confused and lack direction – we often go back to what it is that we know.

Now I know a lot of things, there are a lot of random areas of expertise on my hypothetical resume, and I have my own laundry list of things I like and am passionate about. But above all else, above all hobbies and affections and things I regard with a zealous nature – above ALL: there’s Lisa Frank. Not only do we go way, way back to the day of five-star notebooks and high-top Reebok pumps – but I also think that she herself may be my spirit animal. Yes, I said I was over blogging gratuitously about Lisa Frank but guess what? It turns out I’m not.

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On the subject of spirit animals and high-top sneakers, check out this swanky duo. If I had to pick three things that I valued most in life without putting them in any particular order it would go as follows: 1. Kittens, 2. Sweet Ass Kicks, and 3. Bubbles. The only thing that would make this moment infinitely better is if there was a unicorn shitting out a rainbow involved.

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If you’re reading this blog and have a crush on me and have been wondering the best recipe to get in my pants – look no further. If you give me this card not only will I totally be your valentine, but my jorts will hit the ground in five-seconds flat.

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When people say things to me like “You’re the best!” I like to respond really over-confidently by telling people that a.) I know, and b.) that I’m in the business of making people’s dreams come true. I mean I’m a beer wench so I only make beer-related dreams come true but those are indubitably the best kind, right? Anyways ego-driven tangents aside, I made my own dreams come true here because I’m pretty sure I own this exact cat.

tumblr_mc070w9ywM1qztam9o1_500You know what the opposite of a dream is? A NIGHTMARE. And here is one staring you right in the face.

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Besides selected episodes of ‘American Horror Story’ this is hands down one of the most gruesome and terrifying things I’ve ever seen. If you’re looking at this picture, you probably have a lot of questions like “Why does this exist?” or “Since when do bananas and watermelons have boobs?” I can’t answer either of these questions but I share the sentiment that the banana definitely looks like the slutty one of the group.

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I was looking at this regal beast trying to think of something witty to say when I got distracted by the gay looking monkey to the left of it. Like, I didn’t know a monkey was something that could present as homosexual but I stand corrected.

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I don’t understand why the MOMA celebrates art-world rookies like Pablo Picasso and Vincent van Gogh. Look at this masterpiece; better yet meditate on it. If this doesn’t fill you with inner peace or bring you to your nirvana, I don’t know what to tell you. You know how you can fuck yourself? Go do that.

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I’ve never really vacationed anywhere tropical, but if I did I would probably want to do all the cliche things like drink enough Piña Colada’s on the beach to kill a horse, go scuba diving for pirate treasure – you know, that kind of thing. Another thing I would probably want to do is swim with dolphins, but only if it were these three dolphins in particular. It seems like they’re a fun bunch, and if nothing else they probably know where to get drugs.

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On an existential level Lisa Frank has the ability to make almost anything beautiful. I formed a strong hatred for bees after one killed Macaulay Culkin’s character in ‘My Girl,’ but now that I’m looking at this glorious representation of their kind I am like “You’re not so bad friend,” and am completely reconsidering my stance.

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One thing I hate about Lisa Frank, was her later introduction of people into the “Lisa Frank World.” The whole thing that makes that world so perfect is that it’s magical and untouched by humankind. I have no idea why this polar bear would be hugging this girl unless he is unaware that she is actually killing all of his family and friends with global warming. Who knows, maybe after this picture was taken he ate her.

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In the world of eating mushrooms, I pretty much stick to shiitake, portobellos, and chanterelles these days. Clearly Ms. Frank prefers to spice up her stir-fry the kind of fungi that makes everything a little more “fun.”

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Reason #2 I have no friends: If I did have friends someone would have already bought me this backpack.

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Oh hey Ms. Cleo, what’s that I see in your future? Well, I see puppies, a bear in a top hat, some flowers, and also; massive quantities of LSD. Sweet outfit by the way, it’s very authentic – no one will ever question your powers. PS: See you on my sandwich tomorrow, in bacon form.

lisa-frankWe’ve seen this little shit stain before; he’s a popular guy in the world of Lisa Frank and also; the absolute worst. The only thing I can think about his sloppiness is that I hope it doesn’t carry over to his drinking because that could be embarrassing for him.

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Aren’t we supposed to be afraid of tigers?  The most comprehensive study of deaths due to tiger attacks estimates that at least 373,000 people died due to tiger attacks between 1800 and 2009. The same article that I read to obtain that information also warned humans not to get too close to a tiger cub “not even to get a closer look.” However, if I saw this sweet guy I have a feeling we’d probably become fast friends and spend all our days being all “hakuna matata” and frolicking through sunshine daydreams.

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These bunnies may look innocent and sweet but much like Little Bunny Foo Foo, I imagine they spend their days scooping up the field mice and bopping them on their heads.

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In continuation of the bunny theme I want to ask if any of y’all have seen the movie ‘Fatal Attraction.’ Now in this movie Michael Douglas is married but sleeps with Glenn Close like one time or something and the bitch goes cray. One of the batshit things she does is take their families pet bunny rabbit and leaves it cooking on the stove for them to find. Now I’m not a scorned lover, and I don’t hate rabbits but I wouldn’t mind emulating that scene three times over with some of these sassy ballerinas.

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Meet Rover and Linda, this is their first date. While some may choose going to the movies or dinner or something like that for first date material, Rover and Linda decided to just get super high and eat an ice cream sundae. Good god – look at that thing. I’m surprised it’s not sprinkled with funions on top.

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You know when you meet someone and you instantly hate them? Like they’re just “that guy?” I met one at the bank the other day, he told the woman whose check he was cashing (who was wearing an Arby’s uniform) that their steak sandwich was ballin’. He had frosted tips, which you know doesn’t happen on accident. I literally had never seen this guy before in my life nor did I have to interact with him; yet I wanted him to die.

I feel similarly about this penguin, and I would typically never want to wish even the sniffles on a penguin (do penguins have noses or the capability to get the sniffles?) anyways you can just tell this dude sucks. He probably doesn’t even know how to surf. He’s that douchey gremmy who bought a pair of board shorts from Pac Sun and decided to maybe chicks would dig him if he carried around a surfboard and got a stupid haircut. He’s the guy your friend brings to your party and you’re like: Really?

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