Yesterday was one of “those days.” You know them, you’ve had them too. From the moment I woke up, I just wasn’t having it and I literally cursed the sun for rising and dawning on a new day. I dwelled about whether or not you can have a right or wrong side of your bed when you sleep with yourself every night and defeated and decisionless made some coffee, and went to work. I went through the basic motions of my day, which isn’t that hard considering that my days are pretty nice as of late. I knew it was going to be a long one, I’d committed to the deed of being a beer wench for roughly 13-hours of my day and by the time I hit what should have been my second wind – I found myself broken.
I drove straight from one gig to the next with time to spare until I hit every stoplight I possibly could. I’ve always had a knack for hitting every stoplight on red. Like every stop light. While many may chalk this up to bad luck, I’m one of those existential d-bags that looks for the greater meaning in everything, and I figure this is the universe trying to tell me something, because I am super into the universe. “STOP” it says. “Well stop what?” I wonder. What am I stopping? Why am I stopping? When you feel fucked up and confused everything can become a metaphor for your life. Like everything.
Take this for instance – the other day I had a popcorn kernel stuck in the back of my mouth, lodged in my gums – and I decided that this was in fact a metaphor for my life. A fucking popcorn kernel as a representation for my existence; what is that? Anyways, when that happens it’s annoying and uncomfortable but ultimately you’re going to survive. When it finally dislodges, and is gone – the relief is unimaginable. Then like weirdly afterwards you almost miss it; you might even find yourself rooting around for it.
I thought that when I moved back to Utah, that it would be this super simplistic thing. Like, I’ve already lived here and done my time and everything was going to come up Millhouse and be great. But much like the shitty psychic I saw a mere week before my cross-country adventure began told me: “Wherever you go you bring yourself.” That’s right ladies and gentlemen, although I actively tried to leave my baggage at rest stops and random towns U.S.A. along the way out here – I’ve still got my stuff. There was one rest stop in particular in Nebraska that I really tried to leave a metaphorical box of bullshit in an almost prolific way, but it didn’t work.
I hope my digressions are endearing, but please stick with me because I am about to bring this full circle. So I wasn’t having the best day ever, which is fine because every day cannot be the best day of your life, and between things I had stopped home and my roommates (who are debateably the best human beings in the entire world) may or may not have picked up on the fact that I wasn’t my typical self. Instead of badgering me with questions or inquiring within they just all decided to show up at my work and surprise me.
What started as a night that I dreaded with every single human fiber of my being, ended with me being surrounded by everyone I love and I realized that fuck even when life isn’t the best, even when you feel like your head might actually fall off your body and everything is awry – it’s always okay.
I thought back to an artist who I like a bunch, that does like these little watercolors and drawings accompanied with little stupid life sayings and the first page of his book said this:
Even when I feel like my path is not perfect, or I’m just struggling to just hang on for the ride and make it out alive, I still believe I am headed in some significant direction. Someone told me the other day that I was exactly where I needed to be and while my gut reaction was “You’re fucking out of your mind,” I actually think she might have been right.
Feel your feelings, whether they be good or bad. Know that discomfort is temporary and fleeting. Embrace your crap days because they exist and they are there, and pretending that everything is okay is only pretending. Follow your heart even when it takes you to places that aren’t necessarily logical or soothing. Learn how to be your biggest fan instead of your biggest critic. When you feel alone, remember that you’ve got a hypothetical beer garden full of friends who will always have your heart. Wake up on the wrong side of bed, even if you don’t know if there’s a technical wrong side, and be okay with that. Life isn’t supposed to be motherfucking dandelions and daffodils all the time, sometimes it’s shitty and depressing and hard.
Know that even when you feel like you’ve taken a wrong turn, you’re actually right on track. It may feel like some kind of ride, but it’s turning out to be life going absolutely perfectly.