Why I Like Animals More Than People

Hello – Is It Me Your Looking For?

I have a reputation, and strangely it’s not because I “get around town.” Have I been called a crazy cat lady before? Once or twice. Is my cat sitting next to me purring as I type this? Maybe. To be fair I only have one cat, that’s singular for those of you who don’t know about numbers, and while my instagram is clogged up with photos of her – it’s not my fault; she’s just a camera whore. If you’ve had the pleasure of meeting Penny, or ‘The Ween’ as I like to call her, your life is probably forever changed. Whether she kept you up at night singing the songs of her people (the nicer way of talking about her excessive meowing), cuddled up in the cranny of your arm and purred sweetly, or entertained you by chasing a laser pointer; she’s touched you, I know. I love her. In fact, I love animals – and you know why? Because they’re better than people. Case and point:

Animals offer complete reciprocity. ‘Reciprocity’ is one of my favorite words of all time. I love it and what it stands for so much that I’ve actually considered tattooing it on my body but my friend Clyde already did and I don’t want to be a copycat. In the chance you’re unfamiliar with the term Merriam Webster states it is: the quality or state of being reciprocal: mutual dependence, action, or influence. I prefer thinking in terms of the definition as it pertains to social psychology: responding to image_1a positive action with another positive action, rewarding kind actions. Shocker, I’ve digressed.

The brunt of the statement I am trying to make here is that animals, unlike people, give back what they get. Ten-fold even. You feed them, pet them, and in some cases – you might shave them (So Sorry Ween.)  And in return, they give you all the furry love and affection in the world to show their gratitude. Maybe your dog knows when you’ve been dumped and jumps up in your bed and lies his head on your chest. He might just trying to get at that pint of Ben & Jerry’s you’re eating, but I deem it commiserating.

Zero Fucks Given.

Animals give no fucks. Did I completely butcher my cat’s haircut and make her look like a skinny mangled bone with fur on it? It might have happened. Does Penny care that she looks like a dill-hole? Fuck, no. She’s still patrolling Bueno Avenue, slootin’ around, getting into cat fights, and owning. She also seems to not give a what when sporting dingleberries and eye boogers – and I judge myself when I leave the house without a bra on.

Animals are the true zen masters of life. They appreciate the simplicity of a common housefly. They only eat when food is offered to them. Animals basically make the Dalai Lama as appealing as Ted Bundy. When Penny is perched atop the couch with her eyes shut she’s not napping – she’s meditating on suffering and the impermanence of the material world. I’m fairly certain she’s reached Nirvana, but like a true lady – she keeps her secrets.

Animals don’t talk back. Therefore they can’t be mean, ignorant, or just say annoying stuff like “John Mayer makes good music,” or “Do you have a gluten-free menu?” In a similar respect they can’t tell you you’re wrong, or inform you when you’re making questionable life choices.

Animals don’t judge you. Whether you eat an entire pizza alone, sweat excessively, or spend four hours trying to beat the same level of Super Mario Galaxy on a Saturday night – they no care.  They don’t care if you’re watching ‘Full House’ or a gang-bang. You wanna put on a pair of Daisy Dukes and lip-synch to Elton John’s Greatest Hits? By all means.

Animals lead a tough life:


I mean, if I don’t come back as a domesticated animal in my next life, I’m going to be sincerely ticked. And if you think I’m a crazy cat lady – I’m fine with that because the chances are I do like my cat better than you. And if this is my future:


That’s totally fine, I don’t need a ton of storage space.

Halp me.
Halp me.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Penny is the longest and most successful relationship I’ve ever had. For someone who has moved around from place to place like it’s the easiest thing is the world, one could say I lack a certain sense of stability. And the fact that I’ve had this thing by my side for seven years now? I think that’s pretty cool.

With animals there’s no bullshit. They eat, they sleep, they love, and they poop, and they play. Really, what else does one need? I think they’ve got the right idea.

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