Bitches Get Shit Done


After reading this amazing blog post from Buzzfeed (20 Things Lesbians Are Tired Of Hearing) I started to dwell upon my qualms as they related to being a lesbian in a largely heteronormative world. I love being gay, I really do. I probably have more fun than you as a direct result of my gayness. However, there is a price to be paid with all things that are awesome. Here are a few of my personal pet peeves.

179136_796068270967_1546856011_nOne thing straight people apparently like are putting labels on things – They want to ignore the spectrum of sexuality all together and put you on one static end or the other. They’ll ask “So like what are you?” What am I? A fucking living, breathing human being, what are you? I don’t call myself a lesbian, because I think it sounds like a disease. I’ve never liked putting myself in any kind of box because that makes me feel trapped and I don’t like that. When it comes down to it I love woman all day long, but sexuality and sex are more far more complicated than that. I’ve been with men; I’ve had good experiences with men. Do I seek that out? No. Will I ever realistically date a man? No. But also, to explain that to someone goes way outside the bubble of normal conversation which leads me to my next point.

Not all lesbians are an open book such as myself – but I’ve always noticed that people feel very comfortable asking lesbians some pretty uncomfortable questions. Case and point: “How do lesbians have sex?” and “Is it real sex?” I’m actually going to field this one because the latter part of this question pisses me off beyond belief. Lesbians have sex a hundred different ways, and we’re probably better at it than you. We don’t need toys or detachable penises to make it happen either. And yes, it qualifies as “real” sex. I always tell people – if you feel like you got fucked, you had sex. Is this getting too raunchy?

A few months ago a bartender that I quite liked and I had a conversation about my being gay. I liked the guy, he kept my drinks full and we always had a good banter until this happened: “Don’t get me wrong, I get why you like women but haven’t you just ever seen like a great penis and wanted that?” Sir, have you? I can assure you I am not gay because I haven’t met the right penis. Saying “met the right penis” just made me picture a penis as a little person and I envisioned shaking its hypothetical hand and saying “Nice to meet you but I’m not interested in what you’re selling.”

You don't believe I'm gay?
You don’t believe I’m gay?

Also, scissoring isn’t really a thing. I’m sure it gets attempted and I’m sure it gets done but about 99% of the lesbian population is not on the prowl for aggressively smashing box in an awkward position. See? When you actually break it down it sounds terrible.

Self-disclosure is another qualm of mine. I don’t ever feel the need to formally announce my sexuality. Straight people don’t have to come out as straight or have to affirm their sexuality on a daily basis. I never actually “came out” with the exception of my parents. Instead I just talk very freely and gaily and let people figure it out. I may give the human race too much credit because sometimes people can’t solve the equation. I’m told often I don’t “look gay” which brings up a whole other issue, what the hell does gay look like? I have friends who rock dyke spikes who I’m a thousand times gayer than. Trust me, I’m gayer than a motherfucking fanny pack.

There’s probably a greater lesson here, maybe: “Don’t judge a book by its cover,” or something about embracing the Kinsey Scale but instead I’m just going to leave you with two snippets of advice. Don’t be an idiot, and don’t ask stupid questions. Ya gay, ya gay.

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