Songs For Sexiness

Are you looking for some sexy panty dropping tunes? If so, you’ve come to the right place.

The Tale Of The Sexy Ghost

And by right I mean terribly wrong – I’m literally the last person that should ever give any type of information relevant to a sexual reality. I recently said, verbatim, that my favorite part of giving a tour of my apartment is flinging open my door, pointing to my bed and informing unsuspecting visitors that: “This is where the magic never happens!” I’m fairly sure Justin Bieber was getting it in more at the age of fifteen than I will ever in my entire adult life and trust me – I’m (going to pretend to be) fine with that fact.

The only sage advice I feel comfortable giving to the general public is that you should never trust your “iTunes Genius” to create a playlist to inspire sexy times. On one such occasion I did just that and while the first few songs were great, out of nowhere there was YoungBloodz & Lil’ Jon chanting: “If you don’t give a damn, we don’t give a fuck (Hey!)” In retrospect, that playlist was probably equally smooth as I am.

Despite this there are two entities that are certain: I like music, and I like sex (even when I’m not having it). And now submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I present to you – “Songs For Sexiness.”

1. Bump N’ Grind – R. Kelly

The only other person as qualified to render sexual musings besides me is someone who urinates on the faces of underage girls. Despite this breach in protocol, I think we can all agree with Mr. Kelly that there aint nothing wrong with a little bump and grind.

2. I Wanna Sex You Up – Color Me Badd

Tik-Tok ya don’t stop. The thing I like most about this song is the suggestive nature of the hook line. It’s not like “Hey girl, I’m gonna sex you up,” it’s like: “Hey girl I want to sex you up…you cool with that? I need full consent.” However while the song starts off innocently enough prompting the young woman in question to come inside, remove her coat and have a glass of wine – later in the song: “Let me take off all your clothes/Disconnect the phone so nobody knows/yeah Let me light a candle so we can make it better/Makin’ love until we drown, dig.” In the questions, comments, and concerns portion of this analysis I question why we have to disconnect the land line (it’s the 1990’s people), I’m concerned about what it means to make love until you drown, and my comment is that Color Me Badd was so bad, it warranted an extra ‘d’ at the end of the word “bad.”

3. Let’s Get it On – Marvin Gaye

Not including this song in a list of “Songs For Sexiness” would be sheer ignorance of everything in the world that is attributed to the making of sweet, sweet love. It’d be like yin without the yang, the hypothetical peas without their carrots, and like a Hipster without at least one signature pair of Ray Bans. I imagine that wherever Marvin Gaye went, bras unhooked themselves and panties dropped as like hot potato’s.

4. No Diggity – Blackstreet & Dr. Dre

First of all I like the way you work it (no diggity), and secondly – I’d like to bag it up. Thirdly, I would probably instantaneously sleep with anyone who could serenade me with this song.

5.Put It In Your Mouth – Akinyele

Unbeknownst to many, this song is actually a romantic ballad full off tragedy and fellatio related triumph. It begins with a classy young broad who is heartbroken that her baby left her sad and blue. She didn’t know what to do and then she met his best friend who took her to his house; which she must have appreciated a great deal (that or she had some whorish tendencies) because she then instructed him to put it in not just her mouth – but her motherfucking mouth. Long story short the man in question obliges to this demand, allowing the fair mistress to get on her knees, make like the breeze and begin to blow. The end even promotes equality: “What  do you want to lick, pussy or dick? People throughout the world it’s your pick.”

6. My Pony – Ginuwine

I could be wrong but I’m pretty sure this song was written by cowboys. “If your horny, Let’s do it/Ride it, My Pony/My saddle’s waiting/Come and jump on it.” By ‘horny’ I’m assuming they are referring to steers, goats, or some other farm animals who have horns. Continuing to write from a third person point of view, the lyricist than switches to the persona of a horse or pony whose saddle is waiting patiently for someone to come jump on it.

7. 2 Become 1 – Spice Girls

While my friends were busy idolizing the boy bands of the mid-90’s I was completely enamored with the all-Brit pop group, ‘The Spice Girls’.  I can assure you that the poster of Ginger Spice half-naked that hung on my closet door was simply because she was my favorite Spice Girl (where were you on that one Mom?), that it didn’t make me excited to think that Sporty Spice could be a lesbian, and I promise my Posh Spice doll never “became 1” with Barbie in her Dream House. Also, those are all lies.

8. Take It Off – Ke$ha

Don’t ask me why, but I have a soft soft in my heart for the musical stylings of Ke$ha. Much like me – she’s a talentless blonde who has an uncomfortable relationship with whiskey and has an aversion to making good life decisions.

9. Let’s Talk About Sex – Salt-n-Pepa

This music video is a complete cinematic masterpiece. From the spit curls slicked to the foreheads of Salt, Pepa, and DJ Spinderella to those yellow jammers held up by suspenders that I need to own – I don’t know how you wouldn’t be in the mood to get it on after the simple discussion of sex with this trio.

10. I’ll Make Love to You – Boys II Men

In the transition from boy to man, a lot happens. The onset of puberty can start as early as 9 and in some cases last until 18. Boys will begin to find hair in places there wasn’t hair before, and then their voice will drop followed by their gonads. These are the nitty gritty facts of life and before we know it these boys will be men. However instead of “making love to you like you want them to and holding you tight (baby) all through the night,” at the peak of their sexual maturity they may do all this – but then they probably won’t call you the day after.

11. I’m So Excited – Pointer Sisters

When I used to dance around my room to this as a child, I thought it was just a song about being really excited. “This song must be about me!” I thought, “I’m so excited!” However, in my old and wise age I now realize this song is actually just about having a big old orgasm. In addition to acknowledging that we also need to acknowledge the point in this music video about .44 seconds in where she’s sexually lathering herself in the bath while wearing sunglasses. Just let that image soak into your retinas. Then promptly remove your eyes with a fork.

12. Sweat – Inner Circle

Last but not least, another victim of childlike innocence I actually used to call the radio station and request this song often – true story.

Happy sexcapades folks – and you’re welcome.

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