How To Be Eternally Single


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How I entice lovers

I bet some of you look at me and think: How is she possibly single? Adversely others may look at me and say “That makes total sense” (consider yourself dead to me but also that I’m in agreement with the latter statement).

Anyways I bet some of you are wondering how I do it, how will you find your happily never after? Well, I took a break from my busy (non)dating life to compile this gem for you – “Tanya’s Guide to Being Eternally Single,” you’re welcome in advance.

Be completely self-absorbed. Whether your passion be bird calls or playing pogs – be the best at it that you can humanly be. Insist on speaking only in bird tongue; only respond when addressed in chirps and tweets. Start a National Pog Association, take up krumping, and go to clown school. Start playing air guitar and assemble an air band. Blow off potential dates to “jam.”

Make an online dating profile, check it never.

Remember hygiene is important. When trying to decide whether to shower or use more dry shampoo, just go straight for the dry shampoo.

Have an uncomfortable 317011_687288521457_2104227737_nrelationship with cats. Consider that maybe you were a cat in your most recent past life. Own a minimum of five cats and don’t bother giving yourself a maximum – a minimum is the only guideline you need. Speak to your cats in a disgustingly high voice that makes people cringe and explain it’s the only way your cats understand you. Ask your cat how their day is upon walking in. If it seems like all they’ve done is sleep, give them chores to do.

Spend an exorbitant amount of time with your friends. If you should mistakenly find a significant other, choose your “bros” over your “ho” constantly and when prompted for an explanation let her know that she simply isn’t as much fun as your friends, and that’s not her fault.

Smell like a burger, always. This is one I am especially good at. Working at a burger restaurant, I practically secrete beef out of my pores – it’s my essence, my musk and my being. I sleep with lettuce and tomato on my eyes, and I’ve been told I have nice buns.

Be as emotionally unstable as possible. Potential partners want nothing more than to see your freak flag fly and to take a ride on your emotional roller coaster. Let your issues of the past be at the forefront of your new relationship and cry whether you’re happy or sad. Make it impossible for a person to distinguish whether you’re happy or sad. Be an emotional enigma until they open your hypothetical Pandora ’s Box and then tell them to hold onto their fucking hat.

Be “fresh ta death” 24-7. You never know when someone might stop by:

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Always dress to impress.

Go out to the bars, spend the amount of money you would spend wining and dining someone else on wining and dining yourself (emphasis on the wining – if you skip dining you also get drunk faster).

Friends, if these tips don’t get you going on the path to eternal singleness, I don’t know what to tell you. Now, go out into the dating world and be the most mediocre and sub-par version of yourself you can be. Don’t forgot to not shower and maybe eat a meal of beans, onions, and garlic before you go. Godspeed.

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