For the third time in a singular year, I am once again on the hunt for a place to park myself and my belongings. This means I am scouring Craigslist, exhausting my social networks, and feeling defeated as each “roommate wanted” ad is simply worse than the one before. I am horrified by the “blind date” process of meeting strangers with the premise of possibly living together and decided that at the very least: people should be honest in their Craigslist ads, i.e. if you’re an emotionally unstable albino who hoards American Girl dolls, I would rather know that upfront than figure it out later. Now if I’m expecting others to be truthful, I will only get what I give. Therefore I present to you:
26-year-old Female And Cat Seeking Roommate
My feline friend and I are seeking a roommate or a room-share available May 1st – Let me tell you a bit more about us.
I’m basically the perfect package when it comes to a roommate – I’m clean, laid-back, easy to get along with, and gainfully unemployed. This means when you’re in a frenzy to fill your to-go coffee mug and get out the door by 8 in the morning, I’ll always be on the couch to wave good-bye. Then when you return at 6 pm I’ll be on the couch covered in a light dusting of potato chip crumbs, and watching re-runs of the Jersey Shore. More importantly, I will be there to welcome you home.
I enjoy the finer things in life – Pabst Blue Ribbon, pitting out my shirts 5 minutes after putting them on, and anything slathered in buffalo sauce. I’ve been told I have a great personality, a calming presence, and am very gassy.
My child, excuse me cat, is very well-mannered and clean with the exception of the occasional eye booger or dingle berry. She’s a unique and kindred spirit who hones impressive vocal skills (which could also be referred to as meowing or yowling.) Due to that in conjunction with her affinity for Southern Comfort, I imagine in one of her past lives she may have been Janis Joplin. She’s had several past lives.
I wouldn’t say I drink on a regular basis but if the option existed for an IV that gave off a slow and steady drip of beer that constantly kept me at an appropriate “buzzed” level, I wouldn’t be opposed. I’m fairly 420 friendly unless being stoned equates to you eating even a morsel of my food. If you touch a single cheeto, bonbon, or pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream with my name on it – you are dead to me.
If you want to leverage some of the rent for work around the house my skills include basic cat grooming, lock-picking, being gay (did I mention I was gay?) and advanced Facebook stalking. Vegans, republicans, juggalo’s, larpers, hipsters, hippies, and centaurs need not apply.