(ce)Lesbians Who Are Bringing Sexy Back


Lesbians have come a long way since the 90’s. While we may have retained the flannel shirts – we have shed the bowl cuts, femme mullets, and only wear fanny packs when it’s absolutely necessary. If you want a great example of lesbian subculture in the 1990’s, watch the movie: Better Than Chocolate. I recommend it for no other reason than specifically what I just mentioned.

I'd actually just prefer a shot of Jack Daniel's.

When I first got an inkling of gayness, which scientific literature suggests we catch the same way we do cooties, the word “celesbian” did not exist. If it did, the celesbians of that time were Ellen Degeneres and Rosie O’Donnell. While they are extremely handsome ladies, they weren’t exactly the premier poster children for the celebrity lesbian movement. Nowadays, it’s a whole other story. Perhaps if that was the case when I was young, instead of being an awkward 12-year-old who looked forward to sleepovers with her girlfriends a little too much, I would have just realized I was gay.

Today’s post is dedicated my current favorite celesbians, or as I like to call them: the (ce)Lesbians Who Are Bringing Sexy Back. Disclaimer: Lilo’s and other bisexual opportunists/fame whores need not apply. Yes, I’m looking at you Tila Tequila.

1. Portia De RossiHey girl, hey. Before I even knew you were gay, I fell in love with Lindsay Bluth on Arrested Development. In a world where funny is the new sexy, I was just one season short of being head over heels. Lucky for me nearly five years after the series ended, it miraculously decided to film another season and make a movie. According to Portia’s Wikipedia page she also supports a charity called Alley Cat, an organization dedicated to protecting and improving the lives of cats. Me-ow. In my house where there is an equal cat-to-person ratio, I like to think I do that everyday. Dear Portia, I think we’re soul mates. Love, Tanya.

Making girls wet since 2010.

2. Amber Heard – When I “heard” (pun intended) about this Amber Heard character I googled her expecting to find a moderately attractive lesbian that would fall somewhere in the middle of my list. I don’t say this phrase a lot but I am willing to admit it to you: I was wrong. She has said about her sexuality: “I don’t label myself one way or another – I have had successful relationships with men and now a woman. I love who I love; it’s the person that matters.” Well that may not make her a bona fide clam smacking, muff diving, rug munching lesbian – she doesn’t just talk the talk, she also walks the walk. Heard has been in a relationship with artist and photographer Tasya van Ree since 2008.

I request admission to your funny little peacoat.

3. Katherine Moennig – Are you there Katherine Monening? It’s me, Tanya. I just wanted to let you know the only details I can find about your “personal life” is that your Mother was a Broadway Dancer and your Father a violin maker. You were born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. You’re the niece of actress Blythe Danner, cousin of Gwyneth Paltrow, and of German, Scottish, and Irish descent. While this is all very interesting, there is one detail suspiciously lacking: The fact that you’re a lesbian, a really big lesbian. You’re Shane for Christ’s Sake and it’s just so SHANE of you to keep the secrecy of your sexuality shrouded in darkness.

She wasn't just playing gay.

4. Angelina Jolie – I know, I know, I know. I’m stretching it here the same way she’s been stretching her uterus making beautiful babies with Brad Pitt for the last five years. Let’s not forget – Jolie openly had a relationship with actress/model Jenny Shimizu while filming the movie Foxfire in 1996. In retrospect, it wasn’t cool, quirky, or really that accepted to be gay in 1996. Angelina didn’t give a fuck – probably because she’s Angelina Jolie. In a 2003 interview when asked if she considered herself bisexual she replied: “Of course. If I fell in love with a woman tomorrow, would I feel that it’s okay to want to kiss and touch her? If I fell in love with her? Absolutely! Yes!” We can dream ladies, we can dream. 

5. Tegan and/or Sara – I can feel you both in my bones. I apologize for grouping you as one, but as identical twins I’m technically allowed to consider you as a singular collective person…right? Besides making incredible music, they also both make incredible love to women (I’m assuming). In any event, Tegan and Sara are both cordially invited to come make beautiful music with me in my pants, whenever they want.

6. Clementine Ford – Most of you may know Clementine Ford for her role as “Molly Kroll” in the hit Showtime series, the L Word. While she was previously married to a man, that didn’t work out so well on account of the fact she liked boobs (and not man boobs). Her current squeeze is Linda Perry – musician, songwriter, and record producer. More importantly, Perry was the lead singer of the band the 4 Non Blondes. I’m just going going to go out on a limb here and say for a cutie McLezbi-pants such as Ms. Ford, she could certainly have something else goin’ on in that department.

 

She will "terminate" you.

7. Kristanna Loken – Kristanna Loken is the second person on this list, the other being Clementine Ford, that played a love interest of Shane McCutcheon (Katherine Moennig) on the L word – thus proving whether you’re going out to the gay club or making a list of celesbians, the six degrees of separation with lesbians is more like 1 or 2. In a 2006 interview with Curve magazine, Loken stepped up to the plate and claimed to find relationships with women more fulfilling. In 2008, she threw a curve ball and married male actor Noah Danby. However in 2009, she became legally separated and involved with a woman. We had not yet retired her jersey, and welcomed her back to the team no questions asked.

She looks awkward in wedges.

8. Kim Stolz – We have now transcended to the honorary mention section of the hottest celesbian countdown. Kim Stolz is a likely D, E, or even F list celesbian. She first came onto the scene as a contestant on America’s Next Top Model. She finished in fifth place, and then went on to conquer my dream job of 1991: becoming an MTV VJ. Clearly, I am jealous of her success.

Thus concludes the list of (ce)Lesbians Who Are Bringing Sexy Back. If you feel I have neglected anyone, please comment below and enlighten me.

4 thoughts on “(ce)Lesbians Who Are Bringing Sexy Back

    1. Listen at least tell me you’ve seen “But I’m a Cheerleader” before you deem “Better than Chocolate” your all-time favorite gay film. Also, if you want to go dark I recommend “Lost & Delirious”. “Gia” and “Foxfire” have gay AND Angelina Jolie. TV: The UK version of “Skins” and “South of Nowhere”. And Maggie’s are coming soon to a store near you, so keep your eyes out.

      1. I loved “But I’m a Cheerleader” but I couldn’t really relate to it at all. It was a hilarious film, but I still like Better than Chocolate more.
        “Lost & Delirious” was awesome, but so sad…I like happier endings. I haven’t seen “Gia” or “Foxfire” yet, but I keep meaning to. I wasn’t very impressed with South of Nowhere, but I didn’t watch it for long either *shrug*.

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