Gay People Hate Kim Kardashian Today

For the last few hours my Facebook news feed has been clogged with the breaking news of Kim Kardashians shocking divorce (I am using the term “shocking” lightly).

Her family clearly makes good decisions when it comes to the sanctity of marriage. Khloe married basketball husband Lamar Odom after less than a month of dating. Kourtney is unmarried with a son that looks suspiciously like Eddie Munster, and not only tolerates but consciously stays with baby daddy/douche Scott Disick. Not to mention, this is the second marriage for Kim K, as she married music producer Damon Thomas when she was 19.

Many of my friends have posted outraged status updates such as: “Gay marriage still isn’t legal but Kim Kardashian can get married and divorced within a 72 day span…so much for the sanctity of marriage!” As much as I would like to align with my frustrated gay allies, I feel more obliged to remind you…straight people have been busy ruining the sanctity of marriage for years now. Case and point:

1. Perhaps one of the most popular short lived celebrity marriages was that of Britney Spears and childhood friend Jason Alexander. After a crazy night in Vegas, they married only to annul 55 hours after the nuptials. Reps said Spears was not in a state of mind where she she “understood” her actions. I don’t know about you, but for me a overly drunken night usually ends praying at the porcelain throne, and not with a ring around my finger.

The Blushing Bride

2. When Dennis Rodman married Carmen Electra in 1998, he knew it was meant to be. And by “meant to be” I mean he tried to get an annulment 9 days after they tied the knot. However the pair decided to stick it out, and lasted a whole four and a half months after that.

3. If my Dad was an ironic rock star who died backed up on the toilet and somehow people were convinced he was still alive, I’d probably have some residual mental health problems as well. Lisa-Marie Presley first married Michael Jackson, which lasted an impressive 20 months considering she wasn’t an eight year old boy. Knowing how to pick em, she moved on to marry Nicholas Cage. I can’t commit to a Nicholas Cage movie for more than 5 minutes, so how she lasted 3 months with this man I can’t understand.

The kind of guy you bring home to Mom

4. Lisa-Marie isn’t the only celebrity who found failed marriage so nice she tried it twice, Drew Barrymore has also walked down the aisle two times. I’m not sure how this is legal but Ms. Barrymore apparently married a Welsh bar owner at the tender age of 16. I’m guessing it was either the sexy accent or access to free booze. Her second marriage was to Tom Green, whose job included jerking off horses and sucking on cow teets under the guise of comedy. So clearly, that ended well.

Just in case you wanted a picture to make you barf in your mouth today

5. Pamela Anderson has had her boobs taken out and then put back in several times so obviously she is a decisive person and that leads to good things in the matrimony department. She’s been married three times and to three upstanding men at that: Kid Rock, Rick Solomon, and Tommy Lee’s Penis. It’s like she tried to out douche herself with each subsequent husband. She ended up with one annulment, two divorces, and a nasty case of Hep C.

6. She may just be Jenny From the Block, but she has become Mrs. Jenny From the Block several times. Her first marriage to waiter Ojani Neo lasted less than a year, as did the next to backup dancer Cris Judd. While her marriage to Marc Anthony seemed to have staying power, she eventually realized she was significantly more attractive than him and they divorced in 2011.

While Kim Kardashian may not be doing much for the sanctity of marriage, she’s certainly not the only one who takes that commitment loosely. While I feel bad that she has to endure this embarrassment under the spotlight of the media, perhaps she is better off. Kris Humphries looks like he should have bolts coming out of his neck and sounds like the lower register setting on a Talkboy when he speaks.

However, I’m not about to go to a gay pride rally holding a sign about how this flopped marriage personally offends me. Maybe if we gays were allowed to get married we’d do the same things. Hell, I know some crazy lesbians who I wouldn’t put a 55 hour marriage past. However, I believe we should all have the chance to pull a Britney Spears or a Lisa-Marie. We are people. People who deserve to get a little too drunk in Vegas, or mute our personal issues with a string of unstable relationships. Unsuccessful marriages are a human right and not a heterosexual privilege. Let us be stupid too.

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