I’m Gay And I’m Better Than You

It’s National Coming Out Day – and you know what that means: somewhere, in some little place, in some little town, a little gay boy is coming out and an angel is getting its wings. In honor of this joyous day (which is only trumped by Arbor Day and Boxing Day) I have compiled a list.

I’m Gay And I’m Better Than You – Reasons Why Being A Big Lesbian Kicks Ass

1. I’m going to start big, and I’m going to mean it. There is merit behind “owning the equipment.” I’m going to take this moment in time to clear up a myth: Woman do not “become” lesbians because they have not found men who can satisfy them. We are lesbians because we like woman, and more specifically: we like having sex with them.

2.  Forget to wear pants? Whatever. Lips real chapped and you can’t find your stick? No Big Deal. I would seriously date girls for the shear convenience of it all. I invite the heteronation to try this experiment but girls, you are going to look straight up (pun intended) silly in your boy jeans and your American Eagle tee-shirt that says “Tell Your Girlfriend I Say Thanks.”

3. You know that look your boyfriend gets on his face when you have an emergency situation that involves him getting you tampons? Or worse yet, pads? First of all, if you’re dating a girl she probably has some, and if not she will retain the color in her face as well as her dignity when she struts her sexy ass into CVS to get you some.

4. No IUD? No problem. If I get pregnant, it’s only because Mary wasn’t lying when she claimed that “immaculate conception” was real.

5.  Women are smooth (criminals). I don’t care how much you say you love feeling his stubble against your face when you’re kissing, I know most of the time it leaves a rash on your mouth. And even if you claim you love running  your fingers through his back hair – you’re only kidding yourself girl.

6. You don’t have to pretend to like sports. Who cares if it’s football, baseball, or any other “ball” related season. What’s more important is when the new season of Teen Mom premiers, or what Lifetime movie is on.

7. I constantly feel like a boss. Women are always the arm candy, and never the arm. As a lesbian, you get to own the arm candy. BOSS.

8. On a semi-serious note – women get each other. Not only can you tell them with one look how bad and raging your period is, but you can truly connect on levels that you are unable to in a opposite gendered relationship.

9. Men are horrible in bed – and I don’t mean this in a sexual way. They snore loudly, drool, sweat, and generally take up a lot of space.

10. Women are beautiful. Regardless of your gender you’d probably share a kiss with Olivia Wilde, cop a feel on Emma Stone, or engage in some heavy petting with Angelina Jolie. Just try and deny it, I dare you.

I love being gay. If given the choice to be an active and willing participant in the heterosexual humdrum of the world, I would decline time and time again. Sure, life might be a touch easier if I were straight; but to be perfectly honest: my life is just fine as is.

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