It’s not a secret, I’m a lesbian. A big one. A lot of the time, people ask me “what kind” of lesbian I am. By having so much of my life online – I suppose I have to welcome such questions. However, in order to answer this question accurately I feel like I have to answer to what I am not – and so was born: The Lesbian Stereotypes Dictionary.
Lipstick Lesbians – Lipstick Lesbians may also be referred to as “femmes.” They enjoy make-up, sundresses, frilly blouses, stylish boots, and to the shock and dismay of many eligible bachelors: vagina. Celesbian examples: Portia deRossi, Amber Heard.
Bro’s – The best way to attempt to accurately describe a “Bro” is a frat boy with a twat. They may wear board shorts when water sports are not pending, cut-offs that show a gratuitous amount of sports bra, and usually match their boxer shorts to their kicks, and their kicks to their fitted hats.
Crunchy Granola Lesbians – Crunchy Granola’s are such free spirits, they’ll take on vagina like tofu and kale simply because they’re that “laid back.” They are so high on life they don’t know whether they are between another girl’s legs or swaying lethargically at a Phish concert. Beware: While you might get entranced by a Crunchy Granola’s rainbow aura, they often smell slightly of body odor and are most definitely sporting a 70’s bush.
Hipster Lesbians – Hipster’s are confusing in the lesbian spectrum – mostly because every hipster looks like a lesbian. With their quasi-mulleted, rat tailed hair and their excess of flannel, skinny jeans, and fedora hats – let’s get serious; Shane McCutcheon was the original hipster (after your Dad). Hipsters will sleep with most things that walk – and many identify as bisexual, especially after a case of PBR. Celesbian examples: Samantha Ronson, Tegan & Sara.
Butches – While butches present with a masculine appearance, they are most definitely female, and proud ones at that. While they can change your oil, fix your TV set, hit a homerun in softball, and rock a penis like it’s nobody’s business…they are as soft and womanly as can be on the inside and will shed more than a few tears when you pop “The Notebook” in your DVD player. Celesbian examples: Rosie O’Donnell, Chastity Bono (Pre-Chaz).
Bieber’s –Ever since that cute lesbian, Justin Bieber (I still don’t why she goes by such an androgynous name) came storming onto the music scene, lesbians have been tripping over themselves to emulate her swagger and signature hair. However, don’t go saying “Baby, Baby, Baby, Oh” to a Bieber Lesbian, they will deny any and all resemblance to the Biebs and claim they “had the hair first” (they didn’t).
Baby Dykes – Baby Dyke’s like jelly bracelets, shopping at Hot Topic, and secretly watching the L word on Showtime on Demand while their parents are asleep. Budding in their sexuality, they most likely have a crush on any girl who looks at them the right way.
Power Lesbians – Power Lesbians mean business, literally. Hillary Rodham Clinton is a great example; with her pants suits with her “no bullshit” attitude – our Secretary of State is a prime “candidate.” She’s a lesbian, right? Celesbian examples: Bette Porter and Joyce Wischnia (L word, circa 2005-2009).
The Overly PC Lesbian – Oh groan. These are the lesbians who will be at every rally, political event, or flash mob with signs declaring their feelings on the world at the given moment. Whether it’s “We’re here, we’re queer, we’re not going anywhere,” or simply: “I could really use an Egg McMuffin,” they will ALWAYS let you know.
Part Time Lesbian – Abbreviated: PTL. This is a girl of convenience. She’s a lesbian when she wants to be, and well, not a lesbian when she doesn’t want to be. As far as it goes, I will always be a lesbian. I don’t care if I am stranded on an island of hot men and the human races survival depends on me. I’m still gay. In times of trouble, a PTL has no problem swapping teams. Note: do not confuse PTL’s with bisexuals, they are far more annoying.
Hasbians – This is sad breed. They have given themselves to the lesbian race for months, years, and in some cases: decades. Then as suddenly they graced us with their presence, they dissipate into the day like morning dew. They set off on their ships in sight of heterosexuality, some make it and some don’t. In any event – when I drink a drink, I will always pour some out for my homies that “have been.”
So what kind of lesbian am I? My girlfriend and I discussed this. We actually spent the better part of today discussing lesbians of all shapes, sizes, and stereotypes and decided that we don’t necessarily fall into any one category. I’m a girl, who happens to like girls – and that’s about it. Most days you can find me in a tee-shirt and shorts. I wear make-up, and if I’m out I will always have my hairs as fresh to death as possible – and considering it’s pretty thin and uninteresting this just means straightened and down. Still. I fall into a category all my own: sometimes I put on heels and a skirt, and sometimes I put on my basketball shorts and go to Home Depot. I’m just a girl who happens to like girls.