I Hate My Droid

About eight months ago I purchased the Droid Incredible. As I had previously been a Blackberry (or in true BB lingo, a “crackberry”) user, I was excited to upgrade to what was promised to me as truly, an incredible phone. Now, I’m going to say it, because I don’t know that a lot of people are – the Droid Incredible, is literally; the least incredible thing that I have ever owned.

I have a theory that Droids were originally created as Verizon’s solution to the iPhone. However this doesn’t work. Basically, the Droids are Robin and iPhone’s are Batman. Now we all know Batman is far superior to Robin. Batman has a sweet outfit, a sweet car, and even sweeter crime fighting skills. However when you google “Robin in Batman” the first hits you get might read “Homosexuality in the Batman franchise.” Robin is gay, and so is my Droid. Here’s why:

1. It’s got really great battery life (this is a lie). Even thinking about using your Droid to enable an app or browse the internet drains at least half the battery. Literally, five minutes of Angry Birds and you better be within five feet of your charger. I recently completed a four day, cross-country road trip. Want to guess how many times I charged my phone a day? Four times a day. FOUR.

2. It’s possessed. I don’t know if a witch from the 1600’s was reincarnated into a phone, but that’s really the only likely explanation. Sometimes it does cute things like flip through my screens (it’s a touch screen) without even a touch from my finger. Sometimes it powers down without a prompt to do so, and sometimes it sends unintelligible text messages to random people. My favorite story includes it being in my back pocket and spelling out: “PooooooOOoop.” While Droid Witchcraft isn’t cute, irony is. Oh, Droid.

3. Well “slow and steady wins the race” is a good life mantra, it’s not exactly what you want in a phone operating system. The most mundane tasks (i.e. deleting text messages) can take an obscene amount of time. When I clean out my inbox I make sure to have a snack, a cup of coffee, and the New York Times crossword puzzle by my side. Most of the time I just wake up in a puddle of my own drool five hours later, and my inbox has not deleted any texts but instead has simply stalled and frozen my entire phone.

4. One day it decided to never share photos with anyone ever again. Sometimes it’s like that – coy and unpredictable like your school girl crush who was always hot and cold. Instead I get a message that says “Generic Network Failure.” Every single time.

5. The second most popular message I get is “Low on Space.” Understandable Droid. How did I respond to this warning intially?? I bought a bigger SD card and deleted almost every app on my phone. I still get the message.

6. Dropped calls. I have never had a phone that sporadically likes to hang up on my friends more than this incredible piece of shit. I would honestly say throughout the course of a day, it easily drops 50% of my calls.

7. “Beg Your Pardon?” I’m convinced the earpiece is defunct, either that or every single person I know mumbles 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. In that case I need new friends.

You think that life doesn’t get worse than a Blackberry, and then you find out: it does. It leaves me with very little faith in the world. Let it be known I googled the phrase “Droid Incredible Sucks” in order to prepare for this blog. Before I looked at the hits I got, I started writing – and I never needed to look at the google search. Turns out, I had all the inspiration I needed.

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