1. The Super Soaker Oozinator
Once upon a time, Hasbro decided that just shooting water out of their Super Soakers wasn’t good enough. So they came out with a new water gun; “The Super Soaker Oozinator.” It featured an “air-powered blaster,” 27-ounce water capacity and 20-shot “bio-ooze” capacity. Now pray tell, what is this “ooze?” Well the “ooze” is a white globular, gooey substance. In the commercial children take turns spraying each other, often coating each other’s faces and chests in white goo. Sound reminiscent of anything?
2. My Size Barbie
I like to think of My Size Barbie, as the first blow up doll a child will ever own. If I had ever owned one of these gargantuan and un-proportionate pseudo humans, I would have slept with one eye open, or not at all.
Whether it was a gag gift or not, this is by far the creepiest toy I have ever owned. In case you’ve never seen the show “The Boohbah’s” let me enlighten you. The Boohbah’s were kind of like Teletubbies on Ecstasy. The show (first played on the BBC) featured five furry, gum-drop shaped creatures who rotated between engaging in bizarre dance moves and making farting/squealing noises. Boohbah’s only work to reinforce my belief that British people are insane.
4. Street Sharks
I had all but forgotten about “Street Shark’s” until I found these action figures made by Mattel. The toys were made to emulate the characters of a 1990’s show about a gang of crime fighting sharks. Their catchphrase was “Jaweseome” (let’s bring that one back), and they survived on a steady diet of hamburgers, hot dogs, and French fries. They were kind of like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but less cool and they never caught on. My main problem with this product is that they made them muscley sharks in jeans who also wore cowboy boots. Is that supposed to make them more badass? Because as far as I’m concerned, sharks already have all the street creed they need.
5. McDonald’s Fry Cook Play Set
This is the second item on this list that I actually owned myself. As a result I would spend multiple hours in front of the mirror practicing: “Hello, welcome to McDonald’s can I take your order?” or “Would you like to supersize that Sir?” I so diligently flipped those little plastic burgers and stuffed small boxes full of plastic French fries. McDonald’s Fry Cook Play Set helped me set my goals for the future. It was the McJob of my McDreams but I am sad to say that my friends, is a seed that never came to fruition.
I don’t know one kid in the 90’s that didn’t grow up without owning Gak. Kids these days need so much more to be amused – we were easy: Here’s some squishy shit that makes a farting noise, enjoy. I hated Gak, on account of the fact that as a child I had a very mild case of OCD. I depised the way it made my hands smell and had to wash them profusely after each interaction I had with Gak. However, when they came out with “Smelly Gaks” and I got some Gak that smelled like suntan lotion; my compulsive hand washing was appeased.
7. Puppy Surprise
Surprise, Surprise Puppy Surprise! How many puppies are there inside? There could be three, or four, or FIVE! Puppy surprise offered kids a stuffed animal WITHIN a stuffed animal. When you opened your dog up, she was full of a undisclosed amount of baby puppies. I was not a fan of puppy surprise as my less than fertile dog came with the minimum promised amount of puppies in her apparently almost barren womb. Bitch.
8. Baby Alive
This thing literally is going to give me nightmares.
Let me tell you what’s fun when you’re a kid: Dolls. You can do their hair, have magical adventures with them, and dress them in cute little outfits. You want to know what’s not fun? When that same doll needs to be feed regularly and poops, pees, and cries. When a low maintenance toy becomes high maintenance: The Baby Alive Story.