Why Penguins Can Afford To Be Self-Righteous

Hello Children. Today we are going to talk about why Penguins are AW(emphasis on the “awww”)some.  I recently took my maiden voyage to the Salt Lake City Aquarium, where I not only stood in front of the tank watching the little suckers for a period of about thirty minutes, but then also went back after I had walked the perimeter, and returned to bid my penguin friends a fond farewell.

Oh hey there.

Without further ado I present to you, The Facts: why penguins (or pengies as I like like to affectionately refer to them) are totally righteous.

1. I believe I can fly. Penguins used to be able to fly. Sure, it was back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and sure I can’t actually find anything about the supposed ancestor of the penguin that could fly on the internets, but isn’t it a delightful visual? It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a…well, I guess it’s a bird but isn’t it the cutest damn thing you’ve ever seen? Weeeeeeee!

2. I’m willing to accept that maybe penguins never flew. Who knows, we weren’t around millions of millions of years ago! We think we know it all about dinosaurs just because we’ve found a few of their bones, have observed their descendants, and done massive amounts of “cutting-edge” scientific research. In reality dinosaurs could have worn lipstick, daisy dukes, and had their hairs did. We will never have the answers unless Jurassic Park becomes a reality (I’m crossing my fingers). However, while they may not fly on land, they fly through the water like adorable, non-explosive torpedos. Watch this video from Disney’s “Ocean” and try not to let that single tear slide down your cheek as you sit astounded by their watery dance.


3.Penguins are bisexual. And by bisexual I mean they spend 50% of their time on land, and 50% of their time in the water. Actually, they are a little gay. There were gay penguins at Central Park Zoo; Roy and Silo. According to Wikipedia the pair started dating in 2004, and when the zookeepers observed them trying to hatch a rock – they were nice enough to give them an egg. God, having babies when you’re gay is so complicated. Maybe when I want to have a baby I should just carry around a rock that I pretend to nurse and someone will feel bad just give me one. Anyways, they had baby penguin Tango and sadly broke up a mere year later. Roy is currently single (hey!), while Silo is now dating a female penguin. Those bisexuals can be real heartbreakers. Hang in there Roy, you’ll find your dream man in ass-less chaps swimming around any day now. Any day.

4. If you know me, you know I like variety. I like that when I want “cheese”, I can choose from American, Parmesan, Swiss, Blue, Brie, Cheddar, Feta, or even Goat. Penguins are like cheese cause there’s lots of different kinds. Like this guy, whose hair is a tribute to Tina Turner:

Penguins think Tina is "Simply the Best"

There is another kind of penguin called the “Macaroni” penguin. That being said if they made Penguin Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, I would totally eat it.

5.  36 million years ago, Penguins existed that stood nearly 5 feet tall. This is as appealing to me as My Size Barbie was when she came out in 1992. Now, don’t get any inappropriate thoughts – I’m just saying toys, fluffy things, cheeseburgers – pretty much everything is better when it’s “your size.” But for the record, My Size Barbie did have a pretty nice rack under that pink gown she came dressed in.

6. Penguins eat better than you. A penguin might eat fish, krill (a shrimp like crustacean), or squid for dinner. I’m going to have a Triple Baconator Deluxe from Wendy’s and then go next door for the McDonald’s French Fries. And you better believe I’m going to ask them to supersize it, even though I know they don’t do that anymore.

7. The Trail of Tears. Penguins are serious, dead serious. When Emperor Penguins want to get it in, they leave their normal habitat to go to their sexy ancestral breeding grounds. Once the chick hatches, the parents take turns going from the breeding ground to the ocean (which can be upwards of 70 miles) to get food for themselves and their babe. This goes on for months. Talk about a price to pay for getting some tail.

8. I love penguins because of amazing YouTube videos like Lala the pet penguin and Cookie the ticklish penguin.

This is Dex. He is naked.

Today I posted this on my Facebook this status: “Today is a blog kind of day, what should I blog about?” The first response was from my good friend Dex Mills, and he wrote: “Penguins….self righteous sons of bitches…”

Dex, I hope you’re happy.

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