Why I Hate Ben Affleck

Last night I was packing for my Fourth of July getaway (to fabulous Connecticut) and I instinctively started humming the song “Leaving on a Jet Plane,” as in order to arrive at my exotic destination I need to leave – on a jet plane. The only discrepancy is that I know when I’ll be back again because much to my dismay I had to also schedule a return flight.

Suddenly I realized something: I hate that song. I was stumped for a minute: why does this song make me want to induce vomiting right now? It’s a cute song. In theory, I like it. Then as suddenly as a bolt of lightning appears in the sky I remembered. THIS is why I hate that song:

Ben Affleck ruined it for me. As I relayed this story to my girlfriend she brought up an interesting point: “Wow, you really hate Ben Affleck, don’t you?” In considering this revelation, I realized that this was the third time in several months I had publicly referenced my utter disdain for Mr. Affleck. Why do I hate Ben Affleck? you ask – Well, let me break it down for you:

1. “Leaving on a Jet plane” is an otherwise good song. John Denver wrote it, and I have a secret/now exposed soft spot in my heart for that adorable little hick of a man. It has been covered by Peter, Paul, and Mary, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, Joni Mitchell, and even Slightly Stoopid. If you asked me to pick out a band I liked from that list, I would select “e. All of the above.” However, because of a 1 minute 14 second long clip from the movie Armageddon, I can’t even fathom the thought of that song without wanting to purposely hit my gag reflex. Side note: There is also a scene where he makes animal crackers dance around on Liv Tyler’s stomach and then makes a remark of them traveling “down south.” Cunnalingus and animal crackers are not an endearing combination Ben Affleck, but nice try.

2. No one would go un-gay for Ben Affleck. Yet somehow, there are not one but TWO movies in which he converts lesbians back to the land of straight. Let’s talk first about Gigli. I had seen it years ago, but went on IMDB to read a summation in order to refresh my memory. When I read the description, coffee literally projectile flew out of my nose: Gigli is a violent story about how a criminal lesbian, a tough-guy hit-man with a heart of gold, and a retarded man came to be best friends through a hostage. I wish I was making that up, but I swear I am not. What makes this slightly better for me (and helps me sleep at night), is that the whole movie was completely ridiculous and an absolute joke. Chasing Amy, on the other hand, was almost another piece of cinematic genius from Kevin Smith. I really liked this movie, and without Ben Affleck – it would have just been about an awesome comic book artist/nerd who also happens to be a lesbian. The character of Holden ruins it completely. Case and point, a scene where Alyssa is talking about her newfound conversion to bisexuality:

Alyssa: While I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, because you *were* a guy. Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who’d compliment me so completely. So here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you. And I feel justified lying in your arms, ’cause I got here on my own terms, and I have no question there was some place I didn’t look. And for me that makes all the difference.

His response?

Holden: [pause] Well, can I at least tell people all you needed was some serious deep dicking?

Cute Ben Affleck, real cute.

3. I hate Ben Affleck because of pictures like this:

One year he was voted “Sexiest Man Alive.” I going to go ahead and assume whoever was in charge of making the final decision on the title was either blind or gay. Maybe even both.

4. When he dated Jennifer Lopez, they were dubbed “Bennifer.” This was the start of the whole “let’s combine celebrities names who are dating” craze and now I can’t pick up a magazine without seeing headlines about “Brangelina” or “Tomkat.”

Speaking of Bennifer, can we talk about how one of the greatest episodes of South Park ever was the one in which Cartman has a hand puppet named Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck falls in love with it? Taco flavored kisses for my Ben! (The Ben Affleck greatness starts at about 2:30 into the video but I highly recommend watching the clip in entirety).

In summation, that episode of South Park is Ben Affleck’s greatest contribution to society as far as I’m concerned, and I’m about 99.9% sure he himself had nothing to do with it.

On second thought (I am feeling generous today) – I am also willing to give him this:

Ben Who-fleck, what!? (Click to watch SNL greatness in which Ben Affleck falls for character Mango)

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