I don’t mind drunken people, I really don’t. On occasion, I am one of them. Now, what I do mind – is when they take what would otherwise be an excellent song, and ruin it forever for me. For someone with virtually no ability to carry a tune, I have always appreciated karaoke regardless. Chances are if you are my friend you’ve heard me belt Wilson Phillips with the foremost conviction or experienced my one-person duet to “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” in which I sing both Elton John and Kiki Dee’s parts.
As an avid karaoke attendee there are several songs in particular that make me want to order a dirty martini and throw it in my own face.
1. Piano Man – Billy Joel
If I have to watch someone sing this song one more time while the bar rejoices around them – god help me. While I feel I shouldn’t reject the sense of community that suddenly emerges at the onset of this song, it also kind of makes me want to punch my comrades in the face. If you’re going to sing Billy Joel, sing Billy Joel. As an ultimate fan I would suggest “Captain Jack” or “My Life” if you’re going for karaoke greatness.
2. Tiny Dancer – Elton John
The only thing that is worse that listening to a drunk person sing Tiny Dancer, is when they are drunk enough to sing “Hold me closer Tony Danza” and think it’s the funniest and most clever thing in the world. I don’t know whether to blame Elton John, the TV show Friends, or tequila…but someone needs to step up and own this.
3. Don’t Stop Believing – Journey
I stopped believing. And/or holding on to that feeling. Streetlights, people. No one can hit those high notes except Steve Perry, and he quit Journey. According to wikipedia Perry is currently contemplating his first solo project since 1994. Get it girl.
4. Before He Cheats – Carrie Underwood
This is the ultimate anthem for any woman who has ever been wronged in any way shape or form. Alcohol fuels emotion and I have seen many a drunk ladies who just want to dig their keys into the side of his pretty little souped-up four wheel drive and carve their name into his leather seat. I’d like to carve my name into their horrible vocal stylings.
5. Friends in Low Places – Garth Brooks
This song sucks before anyone even starts singing it. First off all it hits a low key in which no one, including Garth Brooks, can attain successfully. Also, I’m fairly certain it’s about some drunk asshole who could most likely benefit from a few AA meetings. This song just makes me want whiskey, which I think is the adverse reaction a person should have while listening to this song.
I am bad at conclusions. I am notoriously bad at summating anything in life. Do you have any songs you hate to hear on karaoke night?