If you know me, you know I have a love/hate relationship with yoga – and by love/hate, I mostly err on the side on hate. Now I’ve given it a go, the old college try if you will but I’ve only learned a few things from yoga – and they haven’t been how to rejuvenate my inner spirit, or improved my balance or flexibility. Instead here is the short list of things I have learned throughout my personal journey with Yoga:
1. Yoga was created by porn stars. Downward facing dog (not to be confused with the upward facing dog), Half Moon, The Cobra, Seated Wide Legged Straddle, The Warrior Pose, The Plank? I’m fairly certain these are actually sexual positions or something I would say if I ever wanted to talk dirty to someone (I don’t). For example: “Uh, I’m gonna put you in a downward dog and make you salute the sun!” or the ever popular: “Get into a half moon and lotus baby, then I want to put you in a reverse warrior pose.”
2. If you are a gangly fuck, yoga is just not for you. You may say it’s totally going to open up my spine and improve my posture (as I sit writing this I am hunched over like Quasimoto from the Hunchback of Notre Dame) but as someone with twenty-six years of experience walking into walls and tripping over my own feet sober, I can tell you this: you’re just always going to be a clumsy, gangly fuck. That’s the way God made you, because he doesn’t like you.
3. Pretentious douchebags love yoga. They live it, they breathe it, and they bring their babies to baby yoga. FYI: it’s a baby. Instead of spending fifty dollars to watch it squirm around on the floor, you can put it on the floor of your living room and watch it squirm around for free. It’s a baby. It doesn’t like yoga. Or going to restaurants with you.
4. Like everyone else in this world, yoga is a corporate enterprise. I once went to buy a yoga mat (to lay under my sleeping bag, okay?) and was shocked and appalled to see they can get away with selling pieces of foam 1/8 of an inch thick for twenty dollars a pop. Also everyone must wear yoga pants (I think they are just spandex sold under the guise of being hipper because they are associated with yoga) and some sort of tight lyrca tank top. It felt like sixth grade all over again when I walked in wearing a tee-shirt and shorts. Those kids were right, I am a freak.
5. Yoga has already been invented – it’s called stretching.
6. Birkam Yoga. Not only do people pay boatloads of money to do yoga, they pay money to do it in a tiny room with the heat cranked up to 100 degrees. This to me sounds like a recipe for dehydration, misery, and offensive body odor. Can you even imagine if someone farted in that room? I’m convinced everything living from plants to people would die.
7. Yoga makes me “that guy” and I hate being “that guy” in any given situation. While everyone else is very calm and collected in their tree pose with one leg up, I am wobbling in place until I ultimately crash on the ground and make a scene. This antidote is based on a true story.